It's not how hard you fall...

We've all heard the expression it's not how hard you fall it's how gracefully you get back up?

Well I had a very humbling lesson last week that sometimes it's how graciously you accept a hand to help you up too. I write this article with a bit of hesitation. We’re meant to keep our puddle moments to ourselves. Please bear my indulgence as I hope to remind anyone feeling low it’s not just OK to pause and look after yourself, it’s essential.

We belong to what I believe is the best community in the world. We cheer each other on, we hold each other accountable and our ethos is humble servitude asking what more can I do. The first important lesson is it's never about you, it's about the client. Never, that is, while working. It has to be about us sometimes or that mini me or shadow, whatever you choose to call it can get narky and raise it's head til it's paid it's due respects.

Well that's what happened to me if I may share an important lesson in being OK with my vulnerable side. With some brilliant results for the new financial year I was on a wave of activity and servitude, absolutely loving it! Somewhere in the hype of it all I confess I forgot to check in with me; the quiet me, the vulnerable me.

Life can be so ridiculously noisy and fast these days, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Tinder, emails, webinars, recordings, there's always something to catch up on. On the train, waiting in line, in the elevator, it’s surprising there aren’t more neck complaints we’re looking down so much.

Have we forgotten how to connect with the simple joy in the silence of a moment?

Well I'll be the first to confess I did, and the result was not pretty. My best friend grabbing me for an urgent wine as I sat a blubbering mess with so much noise in my head I couldn't think. A dozen snotty tissues later we sat in reflective silence for a while to which my friend asked when I'd last really just sat in the moment? Bloody good question. She could be a life coach. We laughed at the irony of how many times I'd told people feeling down to grab a dog and head to the beach. Best happy pill ever.  Somehow in the busyness of life my weekend walks had become a mission to exercise and get back to busy.

So a reminder for me that hopefully may get you checking in with yourself too. Four simple ways to look after yourself so you're primed to serve others even more.

1. Greet yourself in the morning like you do your best friend.

When you look at yourself in the mirror do you see the parts of you? Sheez, the eyes are baggy this morning, dam, is that a grey hair? I look so pale, better get some sunlight today. Or do you look at your gorgeous self and say good morning with a beaming smile? I did this morning and had a jolly good giggle with myself, what a great way to start the day!

2. Put the phone down.

Not for ever, just don't let it be the first thing you reach for in the morning, enjoy some silence. A cup of tea sitting outside listening to the birds. Go for a walk without the earphones in. I'm the first to say I always have trainings on, on the train, in the car, at home. Make some time for old fashioned silence.

3. Reach out to a friend and ask for help when you need it.

Here’s a secret, occasionally I don’t have all my shit sorted. There, I’ve said it. My clients don’t need to know it and definitely don’t need to see or hear about it. There’s a gift in opening up and asking for help occasionally. Sometimes we’re so deep in it we don’t notice it’s just a puddle.

4.  Have a holiday that charges the batteries.

Whether it's a trek through nature, lying on the beach or exploring the back streets of an exotic town, do it. I haven't had a holiday for two years, I was too busy and there was too much fun to be had here anyway. 

So what are some ways you look after yourself?

How do you take time to charge the batteries so you can be totally present for your clients?

Here’s to your health

The Law of Reciprocity

Dr. Robert Cialdini has spent his entire career researching the science of influence, earning him an international reputation as an expert in the fields of persuasion, compliance, and negotiation.

His books including, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, have shaped marketing and sales throughout the world.

Direct response marketers consider his book the ‘101’ of marketing and where anyone who wants to generate interest and desire in their products and service must start.

He created a list of 6 ‘laws of influence’ which marketers and sales consultants (who are smart) are familiar with and know how to bring into their sales processes:

1.      The Law of Reciprocity

2.      The Law of Commitment and Consistency

3.      The Law if Liking

4.      The Law of Authority

5.      The Law of Scarcity

6.      The Law of Social Proof

Cialdini’s first principle of persuasion states that we human beings are wired to basically want to return favours and pay back our debts. In short… to treat others as they’ve treated us.

This idea of reciprocity tells us that people by nature feel obliged to provide discounts, concessions or others forms of reciprocity to others if they’ve received favours from those others.

Psychology explains this by stressing that we humans simply do not like to feel indebted to other people.

Cialdini in Marketing

Let me start by saying, using these laws is ethical, as long as the claim you make is true. If you’re easily offended by the idea of there being a sales process in place for a business to increase its sales, then it’s probably best to stop reading.

Marketing is all about persuading people to buy the product or the service of the business. Brand advertising is not using Cialdini’s laws. Direct response marketing does.

Direct marketing is giving value in return for action from the market. That action can take the form of:

·         A person opting into a web site in return for a free ‘something’ and thus becoming a prospect

·         A prospect receives an opportunity to join a webinar, by opting into the registration page for the webinar

·         The marketer sends an email with a link to a video containing content that helps the prospect

·         The marketer writes a blog containing great value for their market

·         The marketer posts a link on their facebook page about something they have that may be useful, like a checklist, and fans can click on the link and go to the checklist

All of these examples require the prospect to do something – to take some action.

As a result of this, they become more engrossed with the interaction, they follow the story you tell them, they enjoy the value they receive and they attach high-value to you and what you’re about.

Given we can’t compete with ‘brand advertising’, this sounds like a great way to go.

And all of it relies on Cialdini’s laws – all of them.

Reciprocity in Marketing

What if you offer something cool in return for an individual’s contact details? This will then give you the opportunity to build a relationship with them over time. Not everyone is ready to make a buying decision straight away. But over time, by giving great value, when they are ready to buy, you are going to be positioned as a much stronger contender for being chosen than the competitor who only sent one piece of information.

A great example of this is what we do (and it works really well):

Let’s say that you run a popular blog that offers its readers highly actionable and practical information that makes their lives better. It’s offered for free, and all they have to do is visit your site and absorb the details. Based on this, your visitors are going to feel more obligated to buy something from you.

All of these examples share one commonality – they are using the Law of Reciprocity.

By providing something great to someone, the marketer is creating the tension within the prospect that the relationship is out of balance. To put things back into balance, the prospect will have to take some action, of some type.

This action can take the form of:

1.       Telling people how great it is

2.       Buying something

3.       Continuing to follow the emails/posts etc and ‘like’ articles

Whatever the action, it is the prospect ‘reciprocating’ for what the marketer has done for them.

Is there all there is to sales? No, of course not. The product or service must be great, and desired. 

There are competitors you need to stand away from and never been seen to be ‘one of many’. There’s the importance of the follow up process you have, and your ability to repeat this cycle for everyone with consistency.

But it does increase sales.

We have many people comment to us, ‘I loved everything you sent me. Especially the chocolates.’

And this: ‘You have shown the most interest in me of all the schools I looked at. Of course I had to choose you.’

And this: ‘You guys are different to the rest. You care.’

All of this forms a picture in their minds of how it will be once they’ve joined.

The key, of course, is to ensure that this is true!

The Law of Reciprocity at its Heart

Since I began coaching, I’ve given away my best stuff, for free.

I didn’t do it to ‘get clients’.

I did it because I was so grateful that people appreciated what I had. I feel in love with giving, because it felt so good.

As a result of this, and not by design, people began to come to me in droves. Coaches would demand to know how I became so successful.

Very few actually acted on the answers I gave. I received (often!) comments like this: ‘But if I give my best stuff away, why would anyone buy from me?’

That mentality is why I succeed.

That’s it, right there. So many people are so worried about what they have, and fear losing it, they hoard it.

They don’t see that by giving it away, they become an irresistible force.

It’s simple. If most people are hoarding what they’ve got, I’m going to do something else.

I call it the Law of Zag.

If marketers are going to zig, I’m going to do something else.

As a result of this, more marketers in our industry are learning the power of giving, and are doing it.

So we’ve moved our ‘free line’ even further out, and are now giving away valuable intellectual property to people who are not students.

This has the effect of raising the bar on the ‘free line’ (more must be given to be seen to be valuable and trusted), and also, it means we have to get better to be able to match what we give with even more value when someone joins us.

I consider this a complete win for our members.

I love this law.

Break from the herd with Thought Dynamics

In the Chinese Zodiac Year of the Horse - 2014 - I decided to become a unicorn. Here’s why...

The horse is beautifully dichotomous - it is majestic, strong and free-spirited yet affectionate, playful and sensitive, the latter characteristic central to its basic instinct for survival as a herd animal.

In business, you can be part of the herd - just another choice in a long line of similar products - or you can differentiate yourself so that you become the product of choice in a cluttered and noisy market place.

As principal of a public relations and marketing agency, I was searching for “that special something” that would help make my business zig while the others keep zagging.

As described on the Thought Dynamics, “Thought Dynamics is a revolutionary approach to success, leadership and business challenges. At the core of the approach is the Thought Dynamics Diagnostic Tool and consulting program, both underpinned by the ESIP (Environment, Structure, Implementation, People) thinking model.

Quite simply, Thought Dynamics is developing the best world’s best brand in coaching and consulting methodology. “Well, you’d want to be part of that, wouldn’t you?”, I said to myself at the Meta Dynamics 1 training in June, just over a month ago.

I was booked to deliver a series of training programs for volunteer-based, community groups and organisations in July. While the training course was already set, I challenged myself to apply the ESIP thinking model to my public relations and marketing system so I could start using the language and practise asking quality questions based on the four areas of E, S, I and P.

Well, the feedback from the training was the best I have ever received and was, indeed, transformative for a number of the participants.

Rather than launching into a situation analysis to determine what the organisation currently does well, what it could do better, how it compares to competitors, what its clients / members think and what opportunities could be capitalised upon, we began the training with each participant reflecting upon the culture of their organisation.

After all, an organisation’s culture - including its vision, mission and values - will, to a large extent, determine whether or not people will want to become a member, volunteer or attend its programs.

“And I thought our purpose was to manage weeds in local bushland reserves”, the president of a land management group exclaimed. “Now I believe our purpose is to work together to create a healthy and thriving environment now and for future generations to enjoy”. This revelation was profound on two levels. Firstly, the participant’s way of thinking had shifted from below the line (Implementation level) to above the line (Environment level), and I clearly observed the power of ESIP in adding so much more value to my training program.

It was then my “unicornification” began.

ESIP is no mythical construct yet it’s power is as undeniable as the unicorn’s.

For me, it is the ease with which ESIP can be applied to existing systems and processes (it is logical and sequential), it is the applicability of ESIP to both individuals and organisations, and it is the adaptability of ESIP to a myriad of situations.

In the five weeks since my first exposure to ESIP, I have applied it to many facets of my personal and professional life including:

• language and conversation
• coaching
• mentoring
• decision-making
• training delivery
• meeting facilitation
• business proposals
• funding submissions
• project management
• team development
• budgeting
• time management
• learning

...and the list goes on.

So, with a pioneering spirit, I feel privileged to be on the ground floor of Thought Dynamics, the champion of the ESIP model. The Thought Dynamics community is amazingly supportive, dedicated to the highest standards and has an open culture of sharing knowledge, experience and resources so that everyone benefits and grows.

Of course, as the law of cause and effect applies, there is no doubting that what you put into Thought Dynamics is exactly what you will get out of it. The choice is yours.

And what an exciting choice it is!

Thought Dynamics IS destined to become the world’s best brand in coaching and consulting methodology.

In time, just as we say, “I Googled it”, I believe we will be saying “I ESIPd it!”.

Mid YEAR Springboard

I find the middle of the year an opportunity to reflect, redefine and reset my goals for the year. It’s the gift I give myself. I assess how I’m travelling. I reflect on where I’ve been. I get very clear on where I’m heading.

And sometimes I realise I’m heading in the wrong direction and have to self-correct.

I had (as always) the year’s goals laid out ahead of me. They’re documented. They’re communicated (where appropriate). They’re clear in my mind.

Then something happens that makes the goals look… what was I thinking?

This year was exactly like that.

There is a professional relationship I thought I could always count on. I don’t know why. There was no evidence that I could count on it. I had just assumed.

That was my first mistake.

My second mistake was building a goal around something I could not control and influence.

My third mistake (yes, they’re mounting up) was to assume the relationship would cope with some strain.

So I arrived near the middle of the year. What I’d counted on, was… wrong. The decisions I’d made until then were based on some very poor thinking on my part.

What’s a girl to do?

I could get down on myself. I could get down on them. I could complain. I could worry.

Instead (and I’m not saying this because this is what I always do – there are times I do respond poorly!), I saw the opportunity to represented.

In only three days the goals had been redefined and reset to take into account not just the changed relationship, but also to make the most of the opportunity it could represent, if only we saw through the disappointment.

I’ve done exactly that. It’s been a liberating, exhilarating and amazing time of self-realisation.

I had been compromising myself for this relationship. I had been hiding my true self to keep things on an ‘even keel’. I had suppressed my natural style for their way. None of that was ever going to last. (Yes, what was I thinking!)

But what’s even better is that by realizing this, and walking away, I can already feel my natural energy and certainty returning. It’s like a cloud has lifted (cliché, I know). It’s as if the world has returned to normal focus, instead of the muddy focus I’d been viewing it through and hadn’t even realised.

What could have been seen as only lose has actually become… freedom.

There is already even more of a buzz about the place as we quickly adjust to the change. It’s more than that, though. It’s like we’re really discovering who we are, rather than who we were according to how others defined us.

I’m not sure about the direction we’re heading completely. I do know it’s within our control. I do know it means we are now setting our own sails and that no one else can set them for us.

The relationship is nine years old. I’ve been in business for 11 years. That’s a long time to be involved. The ‘breakup’ should perhaps have been more challenging. But I think we broke up a while ago, and just didn’t know it.

So now, with our goals redefined, we are spring boarding into the new opportunity this represents to us all. We’re spring boarding towards a different future than what we thought we had planned.

We don’t know if it’s better. We do know it’s different. And we do know it’s up to us.

Sometimes the midyear delivers more than expected. Sometimes it gives us the gift of the ‘reset’. And sometimes it gives us the opportunity to let go.

Finance and ...

Few things in life attract as much energy and intensity than money. Some people pride themselves on how much they can get and others pride themselves on how little they need.  Within the two extremes there is every area of grey imaginable. FOr some people, owning is a source of guilt. For others it’s a source of significance and others it represents power, influence, freedom, control, safety, security or shame.

There is no handy universal scale to tell us how much money is enough. Many people live their lives as if no matter what they earn, it still isn’t enough. More is better is the catch cry.

The first step to managing your finances in a healthy way is to know where you stand with them. Guesswork isn’t going to cut it. Financial management is about awareness of the way things are, and then deciding if they need to change.

If your strategy up until now has been to ignore the finer details of your finances, it’s time to create a new strategy. The chances are you’re spending all or more than all of your earning and failing to save under the old strategy. There’s also the probability that the situation won’t change until you face the reality of the choices you’re not wanting to make.

Step One:

Calculate your earnings and expenditure

Where are your finances at?

Monthly earning:

Monthly expenditure:

Saving

Mortgage/rent

Rates/water

Tax

Electricity

Phones

Car registration

Car expenses

Food

Going out

Clothes

Loans

Other

Monthly expenditure

Net:

Step Two:

Calculate your net worth

What is your net worth? Be honest with yourself here. Don’t inflate the numbers under assets to feel better. You need to know exactly where you stand with your finances.

Assets:

House/Property

Car/ Vehicle

Investment Properties

Insurance Policies

Equities/shares

Investment clubs

Antiques

Jewellery (Only 50% of receipt)

Savings

Furniture (only 25% of receipts)

Other valuables

All Assets

Liabilities:

Mortgage

Business loans

Private loans

Credit Card debt

Hire purchase

Overdue bills

Other Depts. Loans

All Liabilities:

Total Net Worth:

Step 3 Three

Decide where you want the previous two sets figures to be.

If you are looking at sets of number that explain exactly why you are in debt or don’t have the net worth you had told yoursefl you have, make the decision to change them. Make a commitment to yourself to act in a way that will assist you to bring about the change you want. This is not the time to wish, wait and hope. You must commit.

The amount I am aiming to be earning by (insert date) ___________  $____________________

The amount of my net worth by (insert date) ______________  

$__________________________

Step 4

Stop the credit card madness

It seems so easy when we want something and we buy it by putting it on the credit card. It’s like “free” money… for a time. Then the pain sets in because we have to pay back the money. And the pain gets stacked in the form of interest payment if we find we can’t repay the entire amount. And we feel that pain for months after the impulse to buy is gone.

It maybe no sense, yet it’s a pattern repeated time and time again. If you are in their cycle, then it’s time to take a stand. Stop using your credit cards now. It will means you will have to live within your means, and one of the keys to success with finances is as simple as spending less than you earn.

Commit to only paying cash for the next three to six months as you obliterate your credit debt.

Step 5

Spend less than you earn

Spend less than you earn, and save the difference. This means you need to pay yourself first. Not with whatever might be left over, but first.

At least ten percent of what you earn each month need to go into savings and investments, so  no matter what, you have a nest egg that is growing.

How I am going to guarantee I spend less than I earn.

Step 6

Make the most of compounding

Make the most of compounding. Whatever you earn in the form of interest payment, dividends, return on investments, bonuses… all earnings above your expected monthly amount… gets rolled over into your investments.

COmpounding is a chance to create wealth by investing in other people’s talent. You must become an investor. When you invest money, don’t spend it, and the growing amount experiences growth.

For example, imagine having a bet with someone about who will win twenty games of tennis. You decide - for fun - to double the bet each game, starting with twenty cents for the first game. Sounds like not very much, until you do the maths, and then you might decide it’s time to get really good at playing tennis!

The first game is worth twenty cents, the second forty, third- eighty, fourth - $1.60, fifth -$3.20, Sixth - ( and this still looks pretty cheap for a bet) - $6.40, seventh -$12.80, Eighth -$25.60, Ninth- $51.20, tenth -$102.40, eleventh -$204.80, twelfth -$409.60, thirteenth -$819.20, fourteenth (and now it’s starting to count) -$1,638.40, fiftheenth -$3,276.80, sixteenth -$6,553.60, seventeenth -$13,107.20, eighteenth -$26,215.40, nineteenth -$52,430.80

How much is the last game of tennis worth? Over one hundred thousand dollars.

In the early days the growth looks insignificant, but as you continue the growth explodes. Start out with $10.00 per day at 10% return and invest it for forty years you will have over $1.8  million in your saving. This is the power of compounding.

The secret is, no matter when you’re starting or what the amount, you must get started now.

If you put $100.00 a month away at around 15% return, they will have $110,000.00 by the time your children is ready for college. Start now!!

Step 7

Make the decision to be in control

If you think money doesn't buy you happiness, you are right. All it can do is give us choices. Not everyone wants more choices, so not everyone will be happy having money. If you want choices, the one way to have these choices is to have the finances to act on them.

Do to this you need to make the decision to be in control of your finances, instead of hoping it will all work out. It isn’t enough to wish and wait for a better tax system or old age pension system or a windfall. You must decide to drive your own bus of destiny.

Start a saving plan

Save for a holiday

Keep to your monthly budget

Monitor your finances and look for new ways to invest and save

Spend within your means

How I will know I have made the decision to take control of my finances:

Step 8

Align your beliefs with those of people who have earned the amount of money you want to earn

Whatever amount you want to earn and have as your net worth, someone out there has already achieved it. Find out where these people are - they are in clubs, wealth clubs, share clubs, women’s networks, giving talks, - and ask them how they did it.

Keep asking questions, Be curious about how other people do it. The only thing separating you from someone who has already investments of over one million dollars is they had a plan and then acted.

There is nothing charming or inspirational about poverty. I perfected poverty in my twenties, earning less in a month that I now earn in one hour. Earning more money means I am now in control of my own financial destiny.

The beliefs of people who earn the amount I am aiming to earn:

The choices of people who have the net worth I aiming to achieve:

Step 9

Separate needs from wants

You needs might be to own house, own a car, have a classic wardrobe, an annual holiday and give a certain amount to a charity.

Your wants might include a plasma TV, an overseas holiday, an adventure trip and the latest fashion shoes.

Separate the two and know that the wants will wait. The more you hold off on fulfilling your wants the faster you will be able to pay yourself. When you indulge in the wants what you are really doing is paying someone else rather than yourself.

My needs

My wants

My commitments to myself and my financial: (new beliefs, new attitudes, now financial strategies etc)

COURAGE =

DOUBT + COMMITMENT + ACTION

Your Ultimate Vision for Extraordinary Love

Love Junkies

If we think that this is what love is, we can never feel that it is enough. Because we rely on others to affirm and love us, we need constant reassurance that we are loved. All this is relieving our fear of not being loved. It’s fear management, not love.

I can remember being in a relationship of four years that I thought was love. The poor guy had to reassure me and pay attention to me for me to feel loved, but it wasn't love I was feeling when he paid me attention and listened to me, it was relief from fear that I might not be good enough to receive his love.

I experienced this constant attention as love, but when I finally experienced real love - love that was based on what I can give- I realised all I had lived was a relationship based on anxiety.

After a while I was very tired. So was he. No matter what he did it wasn’t enough. He’d reassure me with an act of love, and I’d feel relief for a time, then the gnawing, aching void would be back and I’d be looking for the my next fix. I was a love junkie.

When he finally tired of the pattern of feeding the ever-hungry addict he fell into bed with someone who didn't demand twenty-four hour maintenance. I didn't blame him. I was tired of myself too.

It took me another five years to dig myself out of that hole. How did I do that? I realised that no one else could make me happy. No one was responsible for my feeling love. It was all up to me.

My gift in this was my husband. When I’d feel the old feeling of need start aching at me I’d start to demand attention from Chris. He’d let me know that he wasn’t going to buy into that crap. No fix. Could turkey cure of the love addiction.

It took about five times of me wailing for attention and Chris telling me to give it up that I was finally cured. Curing myself wasn’t pain-free - I’d got used to experiencing love that way and my entire nervous system went into shock without it. I can remember my husband saying no to the demands and me going into the backyard and jumping up and down like a maniac with frustration.

The second time I did this I started to get it. If I wanted to experience real love, and not the counterfeit version I’d been settling for, I’d have to accept the gift Chris was giving me and stop asking for the fix.

Now I don’t know how to do the love junkie thing. It’s no longer part of my neurology. That tells me that changing the pattern of feeding the fear is possible. If you experience this addiction but you don’t have the partner who would tell you gently no, then do it for yourself.

The next time you go for reassurance… about whether you can trust them, where they’ve been, what they’re thinking, whether they love you… resist. I get it. It’s tough. It’s almost a physical need. But resist. The first time is tough. By the second or third time you start getting that there is another level to love that doesn't involve constant reassurance.

It is not when you let go of the need to feed the fear that you create the space for the next level of love to arrive.

One-Eyed Love

One-eyed love is where we have no idea what our partner’s values are. This  leads to us being confused about their choices, and sometimes insecure.

Trying to build a relationship with someone when we don’t know their values and rules is like trying to communicate with a Frenchman and you speak Japanese. You try hard, but there is confusion and miscommunication.

Why is values clarification important? Because most disagreements in relationships are because of a violation of our rules.

For you to experience love, your rule is that your partner must stay home on a Friday night. For your partner to experience love, his partner must give him freedom to play with his friends after a long week. Rule violation.

For you to experience health and vitality, you must exercise, even when you’re on holidays. Your partner doesn’t have health and vitality on their list of values, if they’re aware of them.

For you to experience honesty, you must tell your partner everything about your past, and they must do the same. They’re rules for honesty exclude talking about old relationships. Rules violation.

Are you seeing the patterns? People bounce through relationships, wondering why they argue and don’t see eye to eye, not even being aware that the same arguments they have over and over are always about values and rules.

What’s a recurring argument you have experienced with someone? When you think about it, what rules were violated for you to react? Perhaps you think of an argument you had and it seemed to be about money, which is a means value and not an end value, think about what your rules are around security and risk, compared to the other person.

Perhaps you valued security ahead of fun, and they wanted to spend the saving on a holiday.

Perhaps you valued adventure ahead of freedom, and wanted to spend the money on medium shares and they wanted t keep it as cash to keep their options open.

Perhaps you experience love when someone saves their money for a rainy day and they experience love when they spend money on you.

These violations of each other’s rules can only be identified by identifying each other’s values and rules. The antidote for this problem is take the time to learn what each of you value and what you rules need to be to experience love effortlessly.

When Chris and I took the time to do this, we learnt that we had similar values but different rules for meeting those values. We took the time to align them and to talk about them and understand what each other valued. That doesn’t mean we now never disagree, bit now when we do we understand why. It removes a lot of the heat from the difference because we can appreciate the other’s point of view.

Exercise:

If you’re in a relationship, take the time to discover your partner’s values and the rules they need to experience these values. Talk about the differences and similarities between your values and these.

If you’re not in a relationship and want to be, take the time with whoever you are dating to learn what they value. If they value freedom ahead of everything else, they’re unlikely to want to commit!!

Hostage Love

Hostage love is when one of the couple want to control everything that happens. It’s a form of fear, and plays out as lack of trust. It’s all wears out the hostage and the kidnapper. Eventually it either escalates or exploded, and either way no one wins.

The kidnapper is playing out their fear of  not being enough. What is the hostage out when they allow someone to control their every move? I’m going to guess every fear there is. Both players are getting their black void filled, but it’s fleeting and unsatisfactory and often creates even greater desire to have the void filled.

If you’re the hostage taker, it’s time to get honest with the fact that this isn’t love, but fear. It’s time to ask yourself: Is this as good as I want to it to get or am I ready for the the real thing? If the answer is yes, you want to experience the next level of love, then spend every moment with your partner i appreciation and gratitude, knowing that you've spent enough time in fear.

If you’re the hostage, ask yourself what needs you’re feeling  by staying there. Is it because you feel not being enough without this constant drama in your life? Whatever it is, it’s noise and b________, and it’s not love.

Is this as good as you want it to be? Or are you ready to experience a new level of love? If the answer is yes, it’s time to experience another level of love, then it’s time to take 100% responsibility for what you are allowing. Stop blaming you partner for how they treat you and own up for how you let them treat you.

I’m not talking about physical abuse here, and if that is where you’re at, it’s time you got out. Staying is saying you deserve nothing better, and you know that isn’t the case. You deserve better, right no. I’m talking about where you both are dancing the dance of fear, and you know it’s time to get off the ride.

Living is about living a Level 1 life, where you take 100% responsibility for the results that you get. In love, Level 1 Love is the same. Level 1 Love is about joy, respect, trust, communication, passion, compassion and a willingness to put the other person’s needs ahead of your own.

Level 2 Love is about getting by with a partner who meets some of your needs some of the time… and you do the same to them. It’s about knowing it could be better but the energy seems to have gone out of it. You’re happy enough but it could be better.

Level 3 Love is about putting up with what you have, even though you’re unhappy. It’s about settling for what you have, even if it’s an absence of love, because you have forgotten what real love is, or no longer believe you deserve or can achieve it. Level 3 Love is about ‘what’s in it for me’.

Exercise:

Take a couple of moments to record here what type of love you are experiencing.

Your Ultimate Vision for Extraordinary Love

Exercise:

Write down everything that you would want to experience in your ideal relationship. What would you do? Who would they be? How would you act? What would you feel? How would it inspire? What would it look like? How would this relationship change your life?

What is preventing you from experiencing this level of love? What have you valued ahead of this level of love? What rules have you chosen to prevent you experiencing it?

How are you going to change this, right now?