Your Defining Moments

I've come to learn that what may seem of little consequence to one person can literally turn someone else's life inside out. i experienced the power of this when I was coaching a client recently.  They shared how a teacher had made fun of one of the students when they had been in school. This event had happened over thirty years ago, but my client remembered that event as being hugely significant in their life. Because of the teacher's seeming thoughtlessness, my client had become a teacher... they wanted to show the world that teachers can be kind.

One event, and an entire future shaped.

We all have significant emotional events in our past that have shaped who we have become and the choices we make. If it's important to you then it's important.

A defining moment in my past was when I became ill. I gave it was that I didn't have to work at a career, because I would be too sick to do a great job. That attitude kept me doing very little for years, long after the original level of debilitation had gone.

Another defining moment was when I realised I was thinking about killing myself. That wake up call go me realising that it wasn't life that had given up on me, it was me who had given up on life. After that moment, I did everything I could to learn how the keys to happiness. It became one of my primary focuses in life.

These moments altered my perception of myself. They had consequences on the choices I made in my life. Regardless of the accuracy of my perception of these events, they are real to me. Someone reading these defining moments and saying "She should have done this instead" has no relevance. It is only interpretation of these events that matters in my life.

The same as your interpretation of the events that shapes you only have relevance to you.

Some of our defining moments can be positive, and influence our choices in ways that empower us. They can inspire us and show us what we are truly capable of. Some events are going to be clearly negative, However, the meaning we give these events is entirely up to us.

Memory give us the ability to recall these events, but our ability to recall the events accurately is difficult. What we always keep, however is our feelings associated with the event. Recall a moment of exquisite joy in your life, and notice how the feeling is close by. Recall an event that caused you great sorrow, and the feelings of that sorrow are there.

Defining moments anchor our reactions to the world today. These significant events determine the feeling we have to the inevitable stresses and strains of our lives. This makes them essential to uncover and explore. Until we do this, we are separate from who we truly are.  How can we understand what motivates our choice unless we understand what created those choices in the first place.

Imagine that someone challenges you to do something you don’t want to do. What do you do? Your choice will be partly determined by what you did in your past that resulted in a strong emotional response. perhaps in the past you were punished for not doing it. How will that influence how you respond today? Perhaps you were praised for standing up for yourself. Your reaction will be different.

For this exercise to be truly effective, make sure you recall as many specific memories as you can. Facts, feeling, beliefs need to be fully described as much as you can. It helps to recall the what you told yourself. If you can include what you smelt and what you tasted in your mouth.

Ideally, aim for at least eight significant emotional events, or defining moments.

1. Where are you as this event occurs? How old are you and what do you look like?
2. Who is with you?
3. What occurs that makes this event a defining moment?
4. What are the emotions you are noticing you are feeling?  
5. How would you change this situation if you could?
6. If someone asked you what you would want to say at this moment, what would you say? Who would you say it to? How would you want them to respond?
7. What are you telling yourself about this event? About Yourself? About the other people?  About what this means to you?
8. What is it that you need right now?

Once you have done this for the first event, answer these question:

1. What feelings are you noticing you are experiencing right now?
2. What are you telling yourself about that event right now?
3. What did you give up, what did you surrender, in the form of power and self determination, as a consequence of this event, if it was negative?
4. If the event was positive, what did you gain? What did you discover about yourself that you still call on?

Do this for each of your defining moments, and once you have completed this part of the exercise, check to see if there is another significant emotional event that you hadn't noticed, that now needs to be added.

If you have been honest with the exercise, you will have identified moments that have become important in the development of who you believe you are and what you believe you are capable of.

Now for each defining moment. ask yourself what aspect of your self was affected by this moments? Write at least a paragraph for each moment…

Maybe it was your belief in your belief in your ability to be loved, or it caused you to question your intelligence. Perhaps one of your defining moments led you to doubt your ability to stand up for yourself.

Now write down where you  were in terms of that dimension before the event, and then after.

For example, a defining moment for me was when I became ill. The aspect of self that as touched by this event was my sense of confidence about the world. I decided it was a harsh place. Before my illness, I’d been fun loving. During the illness that stopped and I became untrusting of the world.

Once you have done this, write a paragraph to describe what the long-term effect are of that moment. What have you decided to believe as a result of this event?

The long term effect of my illness for the longest time was that I would play it safe, stay out of life’s way, stay invisible, and play small. I decided that it was all too hard and I was better off not even trying. The consequence of that was at least ten years of frustration and disappointment with myself.

I developed the attribute of blaming life and others for what was or wasn’t happening in my life. I developed the habit of finding fault in everything around me, instead of taking responsibility for what was happening.

The first time I did this exercise, I realise how distorted my view of the world had become because of an event that had happened years before. I was shocked to discover that I had let an illness play such a powerful and influential role in my life, even when the illness itself no longer affected me on a daily basis.

The next thing to do is to take the time to ask yourself why this defining moment contributed to your sense of self. Once you have done that, write down whether you now think or believe this view of yourself, of the world, of those around you is accurate.

The reason I believe (remember this is only my interpretation, you might have has an illness as a defining moment and record a totally different reason) my illness became a defining moment for me was because of the lack of control I felt I had over it. I felt I had no influence over body, almost as if it was my enemy. And if my body couldn't be on my team, then who could?

I believe this view was distorted and inaccurate. I now believe that the view I chose meant I didn't have to take responsibility for my life, and instead could turn over the reins to others.

Now write what that old distorted view has cost you>

The cost to me of my old beliefs is missing out on life and love for at least a decade. It also cost me friends who didn't want to be around someone so negative. It cost me income, because I spent years at home telling myself it was too hard to get a job with this illness. It cost me my self confidence, my happiness, my sense of self.

Write down why it’s time to now change your interpretation of this event to something that supports you and your concept of who you want to be instead? What will your belief become now?

When I got to this part of this exercise, I cried because it finally occurred to me what I had sacrificed to keep such a limiting sense of self. I had given up almost everything to stay safe and live a life of lack.

I realised that there was no way I was going to keep my original interpretation of this event. No way. It had to change because if it didn't I was going to end up dead. If I didn’t change it was going to spend the rest of my life playing it small and complaining about how disappointing the world is. It had to change because if it didn't I was going to lose whatever I had left, which included a loving husband. It had to change because he deserved so much more that I was giving him.

I decided to believe that whatever limits my illness forced on me, there was still a way to live an extraordinary life. My limits weren't my illness, but were those of my mind.

Remember when you do this exercise that you were younger that you are now when your defining moments occurred. For many of you your events will be in childhood. You gave meaning to those events as a child doing the best you could to survive, to be loved and to belong. You did what you needed to to avoid feeling.

You are older now; you can look back on these events knowing that the person you are now is capable of making decisions not just based on what will cause the least fear, but on what will support you.

If your defining moments are when you were a child, then acknowledge the child you were, making decision as best you could.

Now acknowledge yourself for the new empowering choices you can make today.

The choice is yours. An extraordinary life means making extraordinary decisions. Only you have power to choose.

Once you have decided on your new empowering beliefs it’s important to keep them close to you, at least for the first month. I laminated mine and placed them in my wallet, so each time I reached for money I was reminded of what I now chose to believe.

If you find yourself reverting back to the old limiting and destructive beliefs, then answer this question:

What is the pay off for me of playing at this level? For example, if you choose to keep the belief that I am too shy to talk to anyone, your payoff might be that by keeping that belief you don’t have to make the effort with anyone, which prevents you from feeling the fear that you might not belong, or that you won’t be loved.

My payoff is?

Now, write down the benefits of letting go of this destructive choice.

Once you've done that, ask yourself, is that something you really want to change? Why? The amazing thing is that some people, no matter how much it costs them to hang onto a painful or destructive belief, will still keep it. They would rather feel the pain of what they know than risk the pain of the unknown. Even though the unknown is only going to stay unknown until they decide to explore it.

Note: It’s worth revisiting this exercise at least once a year. You will notice that your beliefs have changed and need to be updated to include the new level that you are now living your life.

I discovered after a year that what I had thought was difficult to believe to believe in the beginning… that I can do whatever I put my mind to…had become more of a reality for me than I had ever dreamed possible.