Key Number Five: You Must Be Willing to Explore... And Embrace..the Enfamiliar

All the talk in the world about what we can do to transform our lives is just talk... unless we are willing explore the new ideas for ourselves. Knowledge is only knowledge if we apply it... otherwise it's just information gathering. 

I know someone who would rather feel totally in control of her life than anything else. It is more important for him to know what is going to happen every  minute than to learn something new or explore the unfamiliar. This means he has a "safe" job that delivers few surprise and has very few friends... people scare him because they are unpredictable. It also means he can't handle feedback, so getting ahead in his organisation is difficult. He also prefers to be "right" rather than learn a new and better way to do something.

Compare this to someone who embraces the unknown and is willing to learn. Imagine the quality of life of someone who likes to discover the unknown and make it known and who doesn't have to be "right" all the time... they are happy to learn new and better ways to do things. They aren't threatened by change or by the unfamiliar but are curious to know more about it and integrate it into their ever-expanding wealth of understanding of them selves and their world. 

The truth is, many of us spend so much of our time worrying and trying to prevent the 'bad' from happening that we forget to enjoy our lives!

Who said that life can't be wonderful, rich, abundant and joyous in the presence of uncertainty? The only question is, 'what do we need to do to be able to achieve this?'

The first law of life to consider and embrace is this:

Life is uncertain

There is no escaping this and the more effort we put into getting rid of the uncertainty the more energy we're wasting. Instead of trying to control the inevitable, what about focusing on what you can control and influence? Focus instead on what you enjoy, what you do, what your strengths are and what you want to achieve. 

The fact is, in life there are few guarantees. You can't control your world. You control nothing when it come to the future. You have no control over the future. This sound negative, but in reality it's freeing. This is true, doesn't it free you to focus on what you can control?

The second law of life to consider and embrace is:

It is only in the unknown that I can learn. 

Think about this for a moment. If you already know something, isn't it in the realm of 'The known'? If you don't know something, isn't it in the realm of "The unknown"?

So many people fear the unknown. They will do anything to avoid it, including insisting they know best, that what they've been doing gets them by, that they don't need anything else, or they delete any evidence that things are not fine. Remember filtering? We distort, delete or generalise tomake sure the world fits our own map of it. If we have a belief that we don't like uncertainty won't we delete evidence that is contrary to this? Won't we distort our current experience to justify staying the same? Won't we generalise about how bad it is going into the known, because it 'went bad last time'?

Think about a situation in your own life that left you feeling anxious. Perhaps it was the need to learn a new skill or capability. Perhaps you needed to talk to someone you didn't know and you weren't sure how to do it. Perhaps you has to stretch yourself beyond what you were certain you could do. 

How did you feel? What did you do? Did you keep going or back off?  And after this situation... did you avoid similar situations after that or seek them out?

Most people will say they avoid situations that involve them going outside their comfort zone. Yet the only way to create the change we want in our life is to what I call the "Uncomfort Zone".

The third law of life to consider and embrace is:

The quality of your life will increase the more you are willing to explore the unknown

Look at the diagram below. Your problems are on the right, on a scale of between one and ten. Your level of willingness to grow and learn about yourself and your world - instead of trying to control it - is on the left. If you have a problem that you decide is a five out ten in severity, and your willingness to embrace uncertainty is a one, how big does that problem appear? What about if your willingness to embrace uncertainty is an eight? What does that do to how you perceive you problem? Notice that the problem now seems manageable?

10 10

9 9

8 8

7 7

6 6

5 5

4 4

3 3

2 2

1 1

The reason why most people find life tough is because they’re putting their energy into eliminating uncertainty. Eliminating uncertainty can’t be done. No wonder their life is hard.

Something to think about? Ask yourself, how much time and effort do you put into eliminating uncertainty? How much of your thoughts turn to control? How often do you bemoan the uncertainties of life of criticise those who ask you to come outside your comfort zone? How often do you feel threatened or afraid or unwillingness to learn?

All of these questions are designed to stir up the truth of what you are giving up in terms of joy, growth and learning when you hang onto your comfort zone.

I’m curious, what’s so great about a comfort zone? What is so appealing about playing it safe, living within the square, thinking the same, acting the same, doing what you did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that?

Our company attends a personal development exhibition each year in to cities. We offer people who are interested the opportunity to tin a coach or become a coach. They have the chance to win $1,000.00 of coaching where they can learn about themselves and who they are. Even if they don’t win, they can still have a free coaching session. compliments of our school. The session is valued at $200.00, and gives anyone who wants to the opportunity to discover more about themselves and what it is they want to focus on for the year ahead.

What intrigues me is that as the doors open to the exhibition the crowd rushes in… hundreds of people… and they all make the dash to the stand they have come to see… the fortune tellers.

What they want is certainty… certainty about how their lives, they choose instead to invest in one possibility. A possibility predicted by someone. And some of these people act on these predictions. I am not saying I don’t believe in psychic abilities, because I do. What I am saying is that looking for certainty in our future is surrendering our greatest gift… the ability to enjoy the ride regardless of where it takes us.

How do we do this?

Give up the need to be right. Surrender the desire to tin an argument, prove your point, correct someone else or remind yourself of your expertise. If you have a big case of “Certain - itise” then this will be a stretch for you, as it was for me. It’s worth sticking at, though, because you’ll start to relax and go with the flow. You’ll notice people’s differences with appreciation, instead of the desire to change them to conform to your way of thinking. People will be drawn to you and you’ll be a much warmer person to be around.

Get used to saying “Maybe…” Instead of having to know the answer, get in the habit of being curious about what all the possibilities could be. Someone says to you, “This won’t work.” Suppress the need to say how it will, or why you think it won’t work.” Suppress the need to say how it will, or why you think it won’t. Instead say, even if it’s just yourself, “Maybe…” or “I wonder…” or “Let’s see…”

For example, instead of saying, ‘I hope this works out,’ say “I wonder how it works our.”

Instead of saying, ‘I hope I get the job,’ say ‘I wonder if I’ll get the job.’

Instead of saying,  “I wish this was better,” say  “I wonder how this can be improved.”

Instead of saying,  “I wish this was easier.” say “I’m curious about how to do it easier.”

Do you notice the difference in how you feel when you say these sentences?

Why have you hopes dashed by using the word hope, when you can simply satisfy your curiosity by wondering about something?  Much less drama, and it eliminates the stories will tell ourselves.

Get curious about what you don’t know: The one secret to growth and happiness and fulfillment is to be curious about what is on the other side of the comfort zone. Be prepared to commit to stepping outside the walls of your comfort zone at least once a day. You will be amazed at how differently you start to view your world.

Acknowledge yourself: Even if you take one tiny step, take the time to acknowledge yourself for doing it. So few people praise themselves and this is why they don’t like themselves. Would you like or be attracted to someone you didn't admire in some way?  You’re no different. You are worthy of your acknowledge and what you have accomplished. More importantly, acknowledge yourself for who you are.

What do you recognise you need to give up? Is it about being right? List what you need to surrender to move closer to Level 1 lining. 

Think of at least five things you might have said "I hope..." to For example, 'I hope I get the job", "I hope I get the job", "I hope he likes me..." List them here. 

Change them to "I wonder..." Statements and notice the difference. 

What are five things you would like explore that are, at the moment, outside of your comfort zone. What would change in your life if you did explore them?  How would your life be improved?

Commit to one action each day that takes you outside your comfort zone. If you're not sure what that might be, borrow some ideas from the list here.

I could...

Dance

Go to the movies

Join club

Start actinglessons

Invite some friends to dinner

Join a gym

Do press ups for fun

Sing

Listen to some self-improvement CD's

Love

Buy a pot plant

Declutter a messy room

Dress to impress

Book and fo on a holiday

Give a gift to someone because...

Start a home based business

Register as an extra for a TV show

Ask the boss what I could do better...

                 ...and then do it

Learn how to speak in public

Join a book club

Learn a language

Ask for a raise

Read

Learn something new

Join a short course

Learn a musical instrument

Go swimming

Walk each day

Skip

Learn about a foreign country

Write an article about something I  want

Garden

Donate some time to a worthy cause

Sort through the photos

Get a hair cut

Ask someone on a date

Find out about a job promotion

Learn how to paint

Form a book club

Join a sports club

Commit to one kind act each day

Remind a child how phenomenal they are

The more you depend on forces outside yourself, the more you are dominated by them. - HAROLD SHERMAN

Key Number Four: You Must get rid of the Secondary Gain

Have you ever done something that is harmful to you, recognised it's harmful, and then kept doing it? It could be a recurring negative thought about yourself, such as "I'm not good enough." It could be a behavior such as over eating. It could manifest as self sabotage. Perhaps you want to save, and then the moment you get ahead you blow your entire pay packet on something you hardly need.

The payoff, whatever that is for you, has the ability to keep us doing, saying and thinking what we are sure we no longer need. The key to appreciating this is that we only think, say and do what we believe works. On some level, self sabotage has for us a benefit. No payoff, no repetition.

Don't bother telling yourself right now that you are the exception to the payoff rule. There are no exceptions to this rule.

I coached a student once who insisted they wanted to become better time mangers. They were articulate about how their poor time skill was costing them so much. They expressed total commitment to changing this behavior. Yet within a day they were back to the old patterns.

Why? Because on some level, staying with the old choice was working for them. By being poor time keeper they didn't have to connect with their partner, because they were too busy trying to manage their time.

Their payoff for poor time management skill new was not having to be real with someone they said they loved.

You could decide you want to undertake new study to get a better job or just because it's something you're interested in. Yet enrolments come around and you do nothing. You tell yourself that you'll  "do it next semester," or "no one will appreciate my efforts," or "no one my age gets the good jobs," "it's been years since I studied, so I'll be the worst in the class."

Lots of ways to experience pain, little perceived pleasure.

The key to this is appreciating that we do more to avoid pain than we do to feel pleasure. This is true for all of us, and the level by which we live our lives determines our willingness to tolerate pain. Level 3 players avoid pain, or risk, at all costs.

Level 2 players will take some risks, if they can mange the risks.

Level 1 players take the risk, because they get that if they don't succeed, at least they had a go.

We do more to avoid pain than we do to feel pleasure.

This key has been understood by psychologists for years. We want to avoid the feeling of failure, of self doubt, of lack of confidence. We don't want to fail or look silly or risk being rejected or any of the other fears we hold in our heads. The benefit of playing it safe is we get to avoid all of this perceived pain. 

If you want something in your life and find yourself falling short at the last moment, or of justifying why you're not doing it, or you see yourself avoiding it, then you are in the grasp of secondary gain. 

Most secondary again is a fear of going outside of our comfort zone. We fear the unknown. We fear not seeing how we can control every step that lies ahead of us. We want to have certainty about how things will play out before we act. 

Or so we think. 

Imagine a life where everything that was going to happen to you, you knew in advance how it would play out. You knew exactly what you had to do. You could see every mover every time. 

You would hat it. Because even though we think we want certainty about how things will unfold, what we want even more is to be challenged so we can find out what we are capable of. 

You are not designed to play it safe. You are designed as a learning machine. You have the capability to learn and apply intricate moves that are beyond even the most advanced computers on the planet. You have more neural pathways in your brain than there are grains of sand on every beach on the planet. You were built to test yourself because when you do you discover what you are capable of and it's only when you learn that you feel happy and fulfilled. 

The only way to feel happy is to feel the fear and to act regardless of it. 

You can't get happy playing it safe. It is impossible to feel a sense of accomplishment sitting still and convincing yourself that the risk isn't worth it. Every time you talk yourself our of attempting a new thing you move a step further away from who you truly are. 

Secondary gain is you telling yourself you're better off not stepping up.

We all  do it, but remember, it's what we do consistently that makes the difference. 

If you consistently listen to the "play it safe" voice, you are living at Level 3. If you listen to the "play it safe" voice most of the time, you are living at Level 2. If you hear voice, and do the thing anyway, you are playing at Level 1. You are experiencing joy, fulfillment and a personal sense of accomplishment because you know you have courage. 

Playing it safe teaches us apathy and mediocrity. No one can learn they have courage by playing it safe. The only way to find out if you have courage is to act when you feel fear. Especially when you feel the fear.

The only thing you can learn through playing it safe is mediocrity.

The only way to discover the courage within you is to act, even when you feel fear. 

Now back to secondary gain. When the opportunities presented to you  throughout life get sifted through the filter system in your mind as being scary and painful and risky it's easy to become  frozen in inaction. Then you start to "normalise" your backing away from the opportunity by telling yourself something like "I didn't want it anyway," or "I'm better off sticking to what I know."

There's the payoff. THe benefit is you get to hide from the truth... the truth of way you are capable of... and you avoid the pain of the fear of failing or of succeeding or whatever it is for you. 

This starts to breed the lack of self-confidence so many people say they experience in their lives every day. This then reinforces non-action, because how can anyone be expected to act when they have low self-esteem!

"Yep, I'd love to join that art class but I'm really low self-confidence and what if they're all really good and I'm not?"

"Sure, I'd ask for that job if I wasn't so shy, but you know how it is."

A perfect excuse to not play the game of life. Expect the only person it hurt is you.

One of the things I say to my coaching students constantly is that the only question I care about when coaching is what works. 

If telling ourselves we have low self-esteem was a strategy that worked then I'd say go for it, but I am yet to meet a client who has an extraordinary like and plays at Level 3 with their excuses.

If telling yourself "I can't" get you what you want in life then you keep doing it. I'm going to guess it doesn't, though, and suggest an alternative strategy.

Everyone has self-doubt and fears. Everyone wonders if they will have what it takes. No exceptions. The difference between Level 3 and Level 1 players is that Level 3 players let it stop them and Level 1 players don't.

Why passively accept the excuses you've told yourself if all they do is keep you from having the life you want and deserve?

The first step to dump the secondary gain is to identify it. For me I realised very quickly that I had bought into the "I can't do anything about being sick," routine because it conveniently stopped me having to take responsibility for getting well, getting a job and basically getting a life. It was the perfect excuse not to live, because I was afraid of the world and what it would "do to me" If I gave it a go. Fear of living was my secondary again. 

I worked with a client who said they really wanted to learn how to communicate better with their people in their company. They didn't change their behavior towards anyone until they gave up their secondary gain of needing to be the centre of attention whenever was a drama or confrontation.

A client of mine said they wanted to meet a great guy. That didn't happen until they came to identify and release their payoff. As long as they weren't in a great relationship they got to keep saying all the great men were taken. By saying this with her friends, my client go to stay safe with her friends who were saying the same thing, which meant she didn't have to risk getting hurt by anyone.

Her payoff was she didn't have to risk putting her emotions on the line.

Someone I know was raised with every advantage. Great family, money, gifts of houses and holidays. She keeps saying that life is hard. She is in her forties, has a temp job she hates, no relationship and a poor relationship with her family. She says she wants to be happy. That's all she wants, she says, to be happy. Yet she experiences anything but happiness.

Because to be happy she would have to give up her belief that life is hard. If she gave that up she would be responsible for changing her life. If she has to fo that she would have been responsible for everything that had happened to her until now.

She can't do that. That would cause her to much pain. She would rather keep blaming other factors outside herself for her life than take responsibility. Her payoff is she gets to not feel the pain of failure.

I think on some level she knows the truth. I think inside her heart she must be really terrified of how her life will play out. No one has rescued her yet. Each year she feels more bitter about how life has let her down. Each year she is further away from her dream of just being happy.

Yet she hangs onto the story that she isn't responsible because to do anything else would mean she would have to take risks and create change and hold herself accountable. What level do you think she is living her life?

I know someone who didn't have a happy childhood. To say it was full of hardship and setbacks would be an understatement. She was put down by her parents and told she was trouble. For years she was in trouble with her family and with the police. Growing up she seemed to make every wrong choice.

She got married and had two children and never saw her husband. She was overweight. She had bulimia. She spent so many years believing she was no good at anything she believe it.

Then she studied what you're reading now. It was like water to a woman in the desert. She couldn't get enough of it.

She realise that by telling herself over and over again she was no good she was setting herself up for not even having to try anything new. She identified her payoff for selling herself short and claiming her parents for their failing was that she didn't have to build any life beyond staying home with her children. Her payoff was she got to play it totally safe. As long as they were to blame for how she was she couldn't be expected to take any risks.

Perfect, except she was totally miserable.

So she change everything... not in her life... but everything in her thoughts. She stopped blaming her family for who she was. She stopped blaming her weight for her lack of friends.

She took 100% responsibility for her life. She focused on what she could control and influence. She focused on her strengths. She spoke kindly to herself, especially when she felt challenged. She got curios about how she could do things differently.

She gave up the stories about why she couldn't.  She dumped all the excuses about what wasn't working and let go of the excuses about who was to blame.

Most of all she stopped telling herself she couldn't. She let go of the secondary gain of being able to play it safe.

Her life began to change immediately. Her children, who had been running the house, began to see the changes in their mother and they began to change too. Her husband began coming home and being there, She started to get new friends who reflected her new beliefs.

Whenever she slips back into payoff mode she catches herself and say she has the resource she needs within her to do what needs to be done.

As a result she truly happy and fulfilled and successful for the first time in her life. Simply by changing   her thinking.

What level of like do you think she is playing?

The first step to let go of the payoff is to get real about what they are. Any area of your life where you life where you have told yourself you want it to be different but haven’t  changed it is worth looking at.

Identify the area you want to improve. What do you tell yourself about why it isn't how you want it?

Think of the area you want to transform or take to the next level. What has been the payoff of you not playing at that level until now?

What has the secondary gain prevented you from being, doing, having or experiencing? What don’t you have in your life because you have had the secondary gain? What do you have that you don’t want in your life because of it?

What are you going to take action on now that you have identified the secondary gain? What is going to be different from now on?