I know someone who would rather feel totally in control of her life than anything else. It is more important for him to know what is going to happen every minute than to learn something new or explore the unfamiliar. This means he has a "safe" job that delivers few surprise and has very few friends... people scare him because they are unpredictable. It also means he can't handle feedback, so getting ahead in his organisation is difficult. He also prefers to be "right" rather than learn a new and better way to do something.
Compare this to someone who embraces the unknown and is willing to learn. Imagine the quality of life of someone who likes to discover the unknown and make it known and who doesn't have to be "right" all the time... they are happy to learn new and better ways to do things. They aren't threatened by change or by the unfamiliar but are curious to know more about it and integrate it into their ever-expanding wealth of understanding of them selves and their world.
The truth is, many of us spend so much of our time worrying and trying to prevent the 'bad' from happening that we forget to enjoy our lives!
Who said that life can't be wonderful, rich, abundant and joyous in the presence of uncertainty? The only question is, 'what do we need to do to be able to achieve this?'
The first law of life to consider and embrace is this:
Life is uncertain
There is no escaping this and the more effort we put into getting rid of the uncertainty the more energy we're wasting. Instead of trying to control the inevitable, what about focusing on what you can control and influence? Focus instead on what you enjoy, what you do, what your strengths are and what you want to achieve.
The fact is, in life there are few guarantees. You can't control your world. You control nothing when it come to the future. You have no control over the future. This sound negative, but in reality it's freeing. This is true, doesn't it free you to focus on what you can control?
The second law of life to consider and embrace is:
It is only in the unknown that I can learn.
Think about this for a moment. If you already know something, isn't it in the realm of 'The known'? If you don't know something, isn't it in the realm of "The unknown"?
So many people fear the unknown. They will do anything to avoid it, including insisting they know best, that what they've been doing gets them by, that they don't need anything else, or they delete any evidence that things are not fine. Remember filtering? We distort, delete or generalise tomake sure the world fits our own map of it. If we have a belief that we don't like uncertainty won't we delete evidence that is contrary to this? Won't we distort our current experience to justify staying the same? Won't we generalise about how bad it is going into the known, because it 'went bad last time'?
Think about a situation in your own life that left you feeling anxious. Perhaps it was the need to learn a new skill or capability. Perhaps you needed to talk to someone you didn't know and you weren't sure how to do it. Perhaps you has to stretch yourself beyond what you were certain you could do.
How did you feel? What did you do? Did you keep going or back off? And after this situation... did you avoid similar situations after that or seek them out?
Most people will say they avoid situations that involve them going outside their comfort zone. Yet the only way to create the change we want in our life is to what I call the "Uncomfort Zone".
The third law of life to consider and embrace is:
The quality of your life will increase the more you are willing to explore the unknown
Look at the diagram below. Your problems are on the right, on a scale of between one and ten. Your level of willingness to grow and learn about yourself and your world - instead of trying to control it - is on the left. If you have a problem that you decide is a five out ten in severity, and your willingness to embrace uncertainty is a one, how big does that problem appear? What about if your willingness to embrace uncertainty is an eight? What does that do to how you perceive you problem? Notice that the problem now seems manageable?
10 10
9 9
8 8
7 7
6 6
5 5
4 4
3 3
2 2
1 1
The reason why most people find life tough is because they’re putting their energy into eliminating uncertainty. Eliminating uncertainty can’t be done. No wonder their life is hard.
Something to think about? Ask yourself, how much time and effort do you put into eliminating uncertainty? How much of your thoughts turn to control? How often do you bemoan the uncertainties of life of criticise those who ask you to come outside your comfort zone? How often do you feel threatened or afraid or unwillingness to learn?
All of these questions are designed to stir up the truth of what you are giving up in terms of joy, growth and learning when you hang onto your comfort zone.
I’m curious, what’s so great about a comfort zone? What is so appealing about playing it safe, living within the square, thinking the same, acting the same, doing what you did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that?
Our company attends a personal development exhibition each year in to cities. We offer people who are interested the opportunity to tin a coach or become a coach. They have the chance to win $1,000.00 of coaching where they can learn about themselves and who they are. Even if they don’t win, they can still have a free coaching session. compliments of our school. The session is valued at $200.00, and gives anyone who wants to the opportunity to discover more about themselves and what it is they want to focus on for the year ahead.
What intrigues me is that as the doors open to the exhibition the crowd rushes in… hundreds of people… and they all make the dash to the stand they have come to see… the fortune tellers.
What they want is certainty… certainty about how their lives, they choose instead to invest in one possibility. A possibility predicted by someone. And some of these people act on these predictions. I am not saying I don’t believe in psychic abilities, because I do. What I am saying is that looking for certainty in our future is surrendering our greatest gift… the ability to enjoy the ride regardless of where it takes us.
How do we do this?
Give up the need to be right. Surrender the desire to tin an argument, prove your point, correct someone else or remind yourself of your expertise. If you have a big case of “Certain - itise” then this will be a stretch for you, as it was for me. It’s worth sticking at, though, because you’ll start to relax and go with the flow. You’ll notice people’s differences with appreciation, instead of the desire to change them to conform to your way of thinking. People will be drawn to you and you’ll be a much warmer person to be around.
Get used to saying “Maybe…” Instead of having to know the answer, get in the habit of being curious about what all the possibilities could be. Someone says to you, “This won’t work.” Suppress the need to say how it will, or why you think it won’t work.” Suppress the need to say how it will, or why you think it won’t. Instead say, even if it’s just yourself, “Maybe…” or “I wonder…” or “Let’s see…”
For example, instead of saying, ‘I hope this works out,’ say “I wonder how it works our.”
Instead of saying, ‘I hope I get the job,’ say ‘I wonder if I’ll get the job.’
Instead of saying, “I wish this was better,” say “I wonder how this can be improved.”
Instead of saying, “I wish this was easier.” say “I’m curious about how to do it easier.”
Do you notice the difference in how you feel when you say these sentences?
Why have you hopes dashed by using the word hope, when you can simply satisfy your curiosity by wondering about something? Much less drama, and it eliminates the stories will tell ourselves.
Get curious about what you don’t know: The one secret to growth and happiness and fulfillment is to be curious about what is on the other side of the comfort zone. Be prepared to commit to stepping outside the walls of your comfort zone at least once a day. You will be amazed at how differently you start to view your world.
Acknowledge yourself: Even if you take one tiny step, take the time to acknowledge yourself for doing it. So few people praise themselves and this is why they don’t like themselves. Would you like or be attracted to someone you didn't admire in some way? You’re no different. You are worthy of your acknowledge and what you have accomplished. More importantly, acknowledge yourself for who you are.
What do you recognise you need to give up? Is it about being right? List what you need to surrender to move closer to Level 1 lining.
Think of at least five things you might have said "I hope..." to For example, 'I hope I get the job", "I hope I get the job", "I hope he likes me..." List them here.
Change them to "I wonder..." Statements and notice the difference.
What are five things you would like explore that are, at the moment, outside of your comfort zone. What would change in your life if you did explore them? How would your life be improved?
Commit to one action each day that takes you outside your comfort zone. If you're not sure what that might be, borrow some ideas from the list here.
I could...
Dance
Go to the movies
Join club
Start actinglessons
Invite some friends to dinner
Join a gym
Do press ups for fun
Sing
Listen to some self-improvement CD's
Love
Buy a pot plant
Declutter a messy room
Dress to impress
Book and fo on a holiday
Give a gift to someone because...
Start a home based business
Register as an extra for a TV show
Ask the boss what I could do better...
...and then do it
Learn how to speak in public
Join a book club
Learn a language
Ask for a raise
Read
Learn something new
Join a short course
Learn a musical instrument
Go swimming
Walk each day
Skip
Learn about a foreign country
Write an article about something I want
Garden
Donate some time to a worthy cause
Sort through the photos
Get a hair cut
Ask someone on a date
Find out about a job promotion
Learn how to paint
Form a book club
Join a sports club
Commit to one kind act each day
Remind a child how phenomenal they are
The more you depend on forces outside yourself, the more you are dominated by them. - HAROLD SHERMAN
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