Types of Values

If you place importance on something then you value it. For example, you might say that you value happiness, security, family, and money. The first two values are what are called End Values, because they are the emotional states you want to experience. The last two  of family and success are what are called Means Values. They are the vehicles by which you choose to experience the emotional state you must desire.

When talking of values in the context of creating an extraordinary life, we are referring to end values: those emotional states you want to experience.

If you desire happiness, there are thousands of vehicles for you to achieve this value. The means to achieve happiness is endless. The means is simply how you will get there.

If you said you loved your job, because it give you a sense of accomplishment, pride, connection and satisfaction, then the hob is the means for you to experience the emotions of accomplishment, pride, connection and satisfaction.

If you said you love money, I would ask you what does it give you? You might say wealth. I would ask you what does that give you? You might say security. Your means was money and wealth. Your end state… the deeper value… is security. What you want when you earn money is security.  

Do you think there are others ways you might be able to experience security other than money? Of course.

What happens is that we get so caught up in the collection of the means… collecting the stuff of like a house, car, friends, holidays, clothes, wealth… that we don’t realise we’re doing it all to meet our true values. Our true values are our end values.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of achieving something you thought you wanted and then said to yourself “Is this all there is?”

I have. I remember striving for my first big job in a corporation. I thought that this was it. I thought that I had made it. It took short time for me to realise that it was nothing like I felt empty, unappreciated and unimportant.

If I’d known my values I would have known that one of my core moving toward values is connection. I value connecting with others, and I could not achieve this in a large company where everyone stuck to their political agendas.

I worked with a client who was a doctor because that what his parents wanted for him. He was an excellent and talented doctor, but he knew there must be something more to life. When he gave up living his parents’ dream and pursued his own his whole world changed. He realised that what he really valued was making a difference, love and being challenged. When he began pursuing these values his life finally made sense.

Moving Towards Values

Emotional states that we want to experience are called Moving Towards Values. Moving towards values are positive emotional states that we enjoy experiencing, such as love, connection, and fun. These are the emotional states that we most want to attain on a consistent basis.

Examples of Moving Towards Values

Love

Security

Health

Passion

Adventure

Honesty

Respect

Wisdom

Gratefulness

Playfulness

Creativity

Freedom

Safety

Energy

Compassion

Integrity

Connection

Intelligence

Contribution

Growth

Happiness

What has been most important to you in life? What emotional states have you most wanted to experience? Be as honest as you can when you do this.

Once you have this list, reduce the values you have listed down to a maximum of ten. To eliminate values, look for values that are similar to others. Remember, dropping a value from the list doesn’t mean you no longer value it.

As you wrote your life of values you might have noticed that you value some of these emotional states more than others. For example, you may have listed love and security as one and two on your list, then happiness and fun, but you know that you value fun ahead of security.

Now that you have your list, it’s time to put your values in order of importance, as your mind will recall the list the way it is written, not the way you say it should be in your mind.

To find out which values you value ahead of others, go through a list and ask this question:

What has been more important to me in my life, ____________________ or _____________________?

For example, what has been more important to me in my life, security or happiness?

Trust the answer you come up with and write it down.

What is it that you have learnt from doing this exercise? For example, were you surprised by your list? Did you know you valued some of the emotional states that you listed as much as you didn? Does your life reflect what you’ve listed? For example, if you listed freedom as one of your top values do you stay free of commitment in some areas of your life? Do you prefer to keep your options open?

If you said you valued security do you notice how you like things to stay the same? Do you put energy into feeling secure, like a reliable job and steady partner?

Do you think if someone values love above all else will experience a different quality of life to someone who values security? What kind of decisions do you think they would make?

If someone values certainty ahead of all else what kind of life will they lead compared to someone who values playfulness? What kind of decisions would these two people make?

What if someone says they value control about all else? What kind of decisions do you think they make? Many of my clients come to realise that what they have been driven to achieve in their life isn’t happiness, like they thought they had, but a sense of control. They have pursued getting control at the expense of all else, especially happiness.

What about someone who has values that are in conflict? For example, what if someone values freedom and control? What kind of life would they experience? Part of them wants to be free to do with the flow and part of them wants to control the situation. I’m imagining they would find decision making difficult, to say the least. And I imagine someone like this would be constantly unhappy.

By  getting clear on what you truly value, you can understand why you do what you do. What you want to do is find ways to meet your values every day. Not some of your values, but all of them.

So how do you do this?

Rules are what must and must not happen in order for us to meet our values. My highest value is health and vitality, and I have rules that must be met for me to meet my core values every day. One of these rules is that I experience health whenever I go for a walk. A rule for you to experience love could be “My partner tells me he loves me.” or “I hug someone I love.”

Take the time now to write down your rules for what must happen for your core values to be met. This exercise takes a little time, but it is well worth it.

To do this exercise, answer the question:

What has to happen in order for me to feel_________________?

Whenever I do this exercise with a client, their rules are often very hard to meet.

Example of Rules:

Number One Value: Health and Vitality

Client’s Rules for this vallue to be met:

I must walk six days a week

Eat healthfully

Avoid alcohol

Drink three litres of water

Lose weight...

Notice how hard these rules are? How hard must this person work to meet their core value? This is what I call self-sabotage. We set ourselves up to fail by setting standards for success that are too high.

When I elicited my values and rules I was shocked about not just the values, which were about certainty and comfort, but my rules for achieving these values. I realised that whilst I had prided myself on living a life that embraced uncertainty, I actually found it stressful and tried to avoid it.

Then I asked myself, are these the values I would have if I was to live the life of my dreams? If I was to create my ideal life what would my values need to be?

In a little while we’ll at what to do if our values and rules don’t support our desired life. For now, though, lets look at the school types of values.

Moving Away Values

As well as having emotional states we want to experience, we also have emotional states that we want to avoid. These are the emotional states that we perceive would cause us pain. Remember, we do more to avoid pain that we will to feel pleasure.

Example of a moving away values are rejection, frustration, irritation, failure, guilt, humiliation, overwhelm, stress, depression, sadness, anger or procrastination.

What had been most important to you to avoid experiencing in life? What emotional states have you most wanted to avoid experiencing? Be as honest as you can when you do this. To find out, answer the question:

What is a feeling I would do almost anything to avoid having to feel?

As you did for your moving towards values, it’s time to put your moving away values in order of importance. Again, it’s important also to write the list in order of importance, as your mind will recall the list the way it is written, not the way you say it should be in your mind.

To find out which values you want to avoid ahead of the others, go through the list and ask this question:

Which of these feeling would I do more to avoid having to feel, _____________________ or ___________________________?

Which of these feeling would I do more to avoid having to feel, rejection or loneliness?

Trust the answer you come up with and write it down.

Take the time now to write down your rules for what must happen for your core moving away values to be met.

To do this exercise, answer the question:

What has to happen in order for you to feel ________________________?

Now that you've completed you old values, we’re going to explore how you want your life to look. Once we've done that we will come back to values… and explore what your values need to be in order for you  to create your ideal life. Whenever anyone does this exercise they are amazed at the transformation their values go through… and then how that impacts their life.

Determining Your Values

Determining the Compass of Your Life

Values… those emotional state or qualities that we value about all others… can do more to determine the quality of your life than any other single thing. Values determine all of our decision making, and therefore our destiny. If you know your values than you know who you are and what you stand for. Your like owned by you and shaped by you on your terms.

Remember the movie Greed from the 1980’s? Charlie Sheen’s character thinks that he wants the life and the values that he mentor, played by Michael Douglas, holds. At first he makes the moves that someone who values greed, ego and winning about all cost values.

Then he comes to realise that he does not value those things. That in fact lining that way was empty for him.  He drew his line in the sand, and stood up for what he really  valued. Integrity and love.

Most movies have two levels going on. There;s the level of action that we see… the hero wins the girl, the hero wins the race. The second level is under the surface. It is the process of who the hero becomes and what they stand for to win the prize. And sometimes they don’t win the price… they don’t get the surface level outcome… but they get something so much more rewarding and satisfying. They find out who they really are.

We all admire people who make a stand for what they believe in. We are in awe of those extraordinary people who live by highly defined principles. Think of Nelson Mandela. He spent nearly three decades in prison and upon his release his convictions were as strong as when he was jailed.

Think of anyone you have admired in your life. Didn’t they seem to just know what they stood for?

We all have values but few of us are aware of this. Most people have little idea of how what they value is shaping their lives. To achieve fulfillment and success… true success… it is essential to decide what we value most in life and then commit to live by them every day.

If we’re not clear about what it most important to us in our lives then how can we experience the satisfaction of knowing ourselves and of making effective decisions?

Think of a time you found it difficult to make a decision. The chances are that your uncertainty about what was most important to you in the situation led to your doubt.

When you know what you stand for and what is most important to you then decision making becomes effortless.

This must be true not just when the going is easy, but when the going is tough. Anyone can live by their values when there is smooth sailing. Anyone can be a person of kindness and integrity and graciousness when there are no challenge arrive, because they will arrive. It is an inevitable part of life that the smooth waters of life will become choppy, and then develop into swells, and then become a full storm.

The storms is life are inevitable. Even during the storms, we must make the decision to stay true to our values.

Whenever a new potential client comes to work with me, I can nearly always tell if they will sign on as clients. It rarely has anything to do with what we cover in the session… some people have experienced a radical shift in their thinking which will give them enormous benefits in their lives and still not sign on as a client… The people who don’t stand for anything. Life just happens to them and they wonder why, yet when presented with the opportunity to learn how to gain control of their lives they can’t do it.

I don’t say this with anything except for understanding. How can they possibly commit to coaching when they don’t have any clue what it is they would want to get from coaching?  How can they say yes t themselves when they have no idea who they are or what they stand for?

Commitment for them is something they have practiced avoiding. Committing to coaching would be a huge step forward. For some people, it’s too big a step.

What I would want to share with them is that the only way to have the feeling of fulfillment and happiness is to live by our highest ideals. To do this we need to know what those ideals are.

Doing this create huge benefits. We get to know joy, fulfillment and satisfaction that we are living a life of purpose.

Not knowing our values means we will experience frustration, despair and pain.