Your Ultimate Vision for Extraordinary Love

Love Junkies

If we think that this is what love is, we can never feel that it is enough. Because we rely on others to affirm and love us, we need constant reassurance that we are loved. All this is relieving our fear of not being loved. It’s fear management, not love.

I can remember being in a relationship of four years that I thought was love. The poor guy had to reassure me and pay attention to me for me to feel loved, but it wasn't love I was feeling when he paid me attention and listened to me, it was relief from fear that I might not be good enough to receive his love.

I experienced this constant attention as love, but when I finally experienced real love - love that was based on what I can give- I realised all I had lived was a relationship based on anxiety.

After a while I was very tired. So was he. No matter what he did it wasn’t enough. He’d reassure me with an act of love, and I’d feel relief for a time, then the gnawing, aching void would be back and I’d be looking for the my next fix. I was a love junkie.

When he finally tired of the pattern of feeding the ever-hungry addict he fell into bed with someone who didn't demand twenty-four hour maintenance. I didn't blame him. I was tired of myself too.

It took me another five years to dig myself out of that hole. How did I do that? I realised that no one else could make me happy. No one was responsible for my feeling love. It was all up to me.

My gift in this was my husband. When I’d feel the old feeling of need start aching at me I’d start to demand attention from Chris. He’d let me know that he wasn’t going to buy into that crap. No fix. Could turkey cure of the love addiction.

It took about five times of me wailing for attention and Chris telling me to give it up that I was finally cured. Curing myself wasn’t pain-free - I’d got used to experiencing love that way and my entire nervous system went into shock without it. I can remember my husband saying no to the demands and me going into the backyard and jumping up and down like a maniac with frustration.

The second time I did this I started to get it. If I wanted to experience real love, and not the counterfeit version I’d been settling for, I’d have to accept the gift Chris was giving me and stop asking for the fix.

Now I don’t know how to do the love junkie thing. It’s no longer part of my neurology. That tells me that changing the pattern of feeding the fear is possible. If you experience this addiction but you don’t have the partner who would tell you gently no, then do it for yourself.

The next time you go for reassurance… about whether you can trust them, where they’ve been, what they’re thinking, whether they love you… resist. I get it. It’s tough. It’s almost a physical need. But resist. The first time is tough. By the second or third time you start getting that there is another level to love that doesn't involve constant reassurance.

It is not when you let go of the need to feed the fear that you create the space for the next level of love to arrive.

One-Eyed Love

One-eyed love is where we have no idea what our partner’s values are. This  leads to us being confused about their choices, and sometimes insecure.

Trying to build a relationship with someone when we don’t know their values and rules is like trying to communicate with a Frenchman and you speak Japanese. You try hard, but there is confusion and miscommunication.

Why is values clarification important? Because most disagreements in relationships are because of a violation of our rules.

For you to experience love, your rule is that your partner must stay home on a Friday night. For your partner to experience love, his partner must give him freedom to play with his friends after a long week. Rule violation.

For you to experience health and vitality, you must exercise, even when you’re on holidays. Your partner doesn’t have health and vitality on their list of values, if they’re aware of them.

For you to experience honesty, you must tell your partner everything about your past, and they must do the same. They’re rules for honesty exclude talking about old relationships. Rules violation.

Are you seeing the patterns? People bounce through relationships, wondering why they argue and don’t see eye to eye, not even being aware that the same arguments they have over and over are always about values and rules.

What’s a recurring argument you have experienced with someone? When you think about it, what rules were violated for you to react? Perhaps you think of an argument you had and it seemed to be about money, which is a means value and not an end value, think about what your rules are around security and risk, compared to the other person.

Perhaps you valued security ahead of fun, and they wanted to spend the saving on a holiday.

Perhaps you valued adventure ahead of freedom, and wanted to spend the money on medium shares and they wanted t keep it as cash to keep their options open.

Perhaps you experience love when someone saves their money for a rainy day and they experience love when they spend money on you.

These violations of each other’s rules can only be identified by identifying each other’s values and rules. The antidote for this problem is take the time to learn what each of you value and what you rules need to be to experience love effortlessly.

When Chris and I took the time to do this, we learnt that we had similar values but different rules for meeting those values. We took the time to align them and to talk about them and understand what each other valued. That doesn’t mean we now never disagree, bit now when we do we understand why. It removes a lot of the heat from the difference because we can appreciate the other’s point of view.

Exercise:

If you’re in a relationship, take the time to discover your partner’s values and the rules they need to experience these values. Talk about the differences and similarities between your values and these.

If you’re not in a relationship and want to be, take the time with whoever you are dating to learn what they value. If they value freedom ahead of everything else, they’re unlikely to want to commit!!

Hostage Love

Hostage love is when one of the couple want to control everything that happens. It’s a form of fear, and plays out as lack of trust. It’s all wears out the hostage and the kidnapper. Eventually it either escalates or exploded, and either way no one wins.

The kidnapper is playing out their fear of  not being enough. What is the hostage out when they allow someone to control their every move? I’m going to guess every fear there is. Both players are getting their black void filled, but it’s fleeting and unsatisfactory and often creates even greater desire to have the void filled.

If you’re the hostage taker, it’s time to get honest with the fact that this isn’t love, but fear. It’s time to ask yourself: Is this as good as I want to it to get or am I ready for the the real thing? If the answer is yes, you want to experience the next level of love, then spend every moment with your partner i appreciation and gratitude, knowing that you've spent enough time in fear.

If you’re the hostage, ask yourself what needs you’re feeling  by staying there. Is it because you feel not being enough without this constant drama in your life? Whatever it is, it’s noise and b________, and it’s not love.

Is this as good as you want it to be? Or are you ready to experience a new level of love? If the answer is yes, it’s time to experience another level of love, then it’s time to take 100% responsibility for what you are allowing. Stop blaming you partner for how they treat you and own up for how you let them treat you.

I’m not talking about physical abuse here, and if that is where you’re at, it’s time you got out. Staying is saying you deserve nothing better, and you know that isn’t the case. You deserve better, right no. I’m talking about where you both are dancing the dance of fear, and you know it’s time to get off the ride.

Living is about living a Level 1 life, where you take 100% responsibility for the results that you get. In love, Level 1 Love is the same. Level 1 Love is about joy, respect, trust, communication, passion, compassion and a willingness to put the other person’s needs ahead of your own.

Level 2 Love is about getting by with a partner who meets some of your needs some of the time… and you do the same to them. It’s about knowing it could be better but the energy seems to have gone out of it. You’re happy enough but it could be better.

Level 3 Love is about putting up with what you have, even though you’re unhappy. It’s about settling for what you have, even if it’s an absence of love, because you have forgotten what real love is, or no longer believe you deserve or can achieve it. Level 3 Love is about ‘what’s in it for me’.

Exercise:

Take a couple of moments to record here what type of love you are experiencing.

Your Ultimate Vision for Extraordinary Love

Exercise:

Write down everything that you would want to experience in your ideal relationship. What would you do? Who would they be? How would you act? What would you feel? How would it inspire? What would it look like? How would this relationship change your life?

What is preventing you from experiencing this level of love? What have you valued ahead of this level of love? What rules have you chosen to prevent you experiencing it?

How are you going to change this, right now?

How to Communicate

Listen

Nothing is as valuable as the ability to listen to someone tell you their story. If you’re too busy thinking about how you are going to respond, you’re not listening. Slow down, calm your thoughts, concentrate on what they are saying.

When you do speak, respond to what was said with a question about that  topic. For example, “So you think that’s how we should do this?” or “You sound like you really love doing…”

Create space for the other person to speak. Your sense of significance can handle being silent and interested. You will attract people when you do this, especially if you do it in a way that is…

Non-judgmental

When we connect with someone we both risk feeling one of our three fears. We fear not being enough, not belonging and not being loved. The person speaking with you is feeling this, so make it easy for them… don’t judge. Allow them to air their quirky-ness and opinions and be interested. If you notice your mind wondering to judgemental thoughts, bring them back to thoughts of compassion and tolerance. If you do this you will be a people magnet. Nothing is more attractive than tolerance.

Take criticism

Nobody likes it yet it is a fact of life. Instead of responding with defensiveness, simply ask for clarity about what the person is saying, and thank them. Nothing else. Getting caught up in the injustice of their comments is pointless… it is only an opinion. It has no weight in your life unless you allow to.

Maintain eye contact

People who avoid eye contact are perceived as being less trustworthy. Make sure you look at the person you are connecting with at least as often as they look at you. If you feel uncomfortable at first, persist. People appreciate the contact. Keep your gaze relaxed rather than fixed and remember to blink.

Match body language

When you talk with someone, match most of their body language, including how they rest their arms and how they sit in the chair. Don’t mimic every gesture, just enough so that they feel comfortable with you.

People are attracted to people they like and people who they want to be like

Smile

Facial expressions reveal plenty about someone. If you want to attract positive people then you need to present yourself the same way. Match their smile.

What Goes Wrong

Getting

The problem is that many people think that relationships are great if they get what they want from them, rather than what they can give. They measure success in relationships based on their receipt of affirmation of themselves. They feel loved when someone is loving them. rather than when they are giving love.

The fact is, we cannot experience the love of another. It is impossible to feel the love of another. We can experience someone’s act of love, but can only feel our own feelings.

How not to Communicate

There are some clearly identified ways to not communicate. Here are some examples of what to avoid.

1. Hogging the limelight.

They rarely pause for breath, they talk over you, they are not in the least interested in what anyone else has to say. The provide no room for interaction, because it is there show. It is all about them.

2. The interrupter.

You’re right in the middle of speaking and they talk over you. You might want to share something of importance, but their version of your story or one like it is far more important. Talking over someone is the same as saying that you don’t care what they think… they are simply there to allow you to speak.

3. Jargon.

They’re so into what they do and how great it is that they hit you with all the tiny intricacies of it. They want to impress you with their knowledge and all they do is bore you and everyone else to tears. People are polite… they will act interested… but they won’t become your friend.

Relationship and ...

I place health as our number one area to master ahead of all others. After health I would place our relationships - with ourselves and with others. After all, not many people value creating change and experiencing joy as a totally solo process.

Our most valued emotion is connection, ahead of success and achievement. We want to belong. We want to be loved. There is no greater source of joy and fulfillment, and of pain, than human relationships. Because of the intensity of our feelings from relationships they are also are greatest source of fear- fear that we aren’t enough, that we won’t be loved or that we don’t belong.

This section is about taking your experience of friendships and love to the next level… to Level 1, where you experience love not matter what is happening in your life.

The Easy Model for Extraordinary Health

Exercise five times a week

Push yourself for seventy-five percent of the exercise

Breathe deeply often, even when not exercising

If you can’t get all your exercise in one hit, divide it into smaller manageable amount of time

Not doing exercise once is not  a sign of failure, simply refocus on your goal

Do muscle resistance work like half push-ups, yoga, tricep dips and crunches to build bone mass

Drink more water than you think you need, all the time

Eat fresh and raw fruits and vegetables everyday

If you’re used to eating a lot of junk food, like fried food and canned food, sacrifice one piece per meal

Fill yourself up on healthy choices and make the junk choices what you nibble on - never use the junk food to fill you up

Avoid fried foods because they starve your blood of oxygen, which slows the blood cells down, which clogs up your system

Avoid milk for the first thirty days, and then see if you still want it. Expect your baby to expel toxins as it adjusts to the lack of mcus in its system

Avoid bread for the first thirty days to give your body a rest. Fill up instead on brown rice and dark vegetables like broccoli and spinach

Snack on raw nuts, not salted or roasted, as they will ferment in your body

Drink more if you drink alcohol than you could possibly think you need

Cut back on how much alcohol you drink

Empty your cupboards of the junk and replace them with healthy choices

If you slip up and eat junk, just refocus on what you want to achieve and on what you have already achieved

When you plateau, it’s normal. Persist, and never let yourself go hungry

Graze on healthy choices instead of chocolate

Reward yourself for health eating with a walk in the sun or dancing to a favorite song, rather than some favorite junk food choice

Cut back on caffeine drinks, including coffee and soda drinks

Eat comfortable amounts of food, rather than overeating; you’ll feel more energy

Use quality oils like virgin olive, flax seed and primrose

Never eat when you are stressed or depressed, Go for a walk instead

Cut back on meat if you eat it for the first thirty day and then see if you want to go back to it. Next time you eat red meat smell the back of your hand. You can smell the meat through your pores

Focus on vegetables and fruits for breakfast rather than cereals

Avoid butter and margarine

Aim to eat twenty different types of food per day

What I now commit to for my own health and vitality

What I no longer indulge in (for example, adrenaline rushes, animal fat in excess):

What I now have in moderation:

What I now have more of as often as I can:

Key Number Five: Dairy, and Great Myth

It’s my opinion that one of the biggest blocks to healthy weight and healthy living is the consumption of dairy products. Health authorities in some countries recommend various quantities of dairy to promote health, so it follows that these countries would experience a greater level of health. Yet the United States, where the greatest amount of dairy is consumed in the world, leads the world in degenerative diseases.

Cow don’t drink cow milk. No other animal on the planet consumes milk from another animal. No other animal on the planet consumes any milk once they have matured, unless they are domesticated.

Calves drink cow’s milk because it was designed for them as they grow. Once they’re weaned they stop. Humans never get weaned. They go from mother’s milk to another animal’s milk.

Have you ever seen a giraffe nursing an adult rhino? have you ever seen a fod nursing an adult cat? Have you ever seen a human nursing an adult cow? Of course not. Because these animal don’t drink milk once they are weaned.

Human milk was designed for humans. The chemical composition of cow’s milk is different. To break down milk you need renin and lactase. These chemicals are mostly gone by the time we reach the age of three.

Casein is an element found in all milk and in cow’s milk it exists in concentrations that are 300 times greater than human milk. It coagulates in the stomach and forms difficult-to-digest curds. The curds are manageable in the four-stomach digestive system of the calf. For humans, with one stomach, we mush expend a huge amount of energy to deal with this digestive burden.

You can get all the calcium you need from eating raw nuts and plenty of the natural foods listed on the previous page.

If you are unsure of this information then go hunting for your own evidence. Don’t take our word for it… do the research and then decide for yourself. Better still,spend just 30 days dairy free and meat free and notice the change in your body.

At first you might notice your nails getting brittle and your stomach blotting. This is a normal part of your system adjusting to what it isn’t used to - health food. Persist, and after a couple of weeks at the most you will feel more energised and relaxed than you ever have.

What three commitments are you prepared to make after reading these key? How will they benefit your life and your health?

Key Number Four: High-Water Living

We are 70 percent water. The only way for your body to replenish it’s natural water level is by you consuming a high-water diet. This means eating fruit and vegetables, rather than processed and prepackaged foods.

The wonderful thing is that when you do this your weight will move to its optimum level, without you ever having to go hungry. You can eat as much fruit and vegetables as you want, especially foods like beetroot, carrots, broccoli, spinach and cabbage. (One person said it didn’t work...he was eating twenty bananas a day! Everything is balance.) High water content foods means our cells get detoxify. Water foods are the best flushing system. Your body will love you for it.

Exercise:

Write down everything you’ve eaten in the past 24 hours

Look at your list of foods. How many of your choices were high water content foods? How many were processed or prepackaged? How many had a used-by date that extended beyond your photocopier toner!

What you eat will play a significant role in determining how you feel. If your list included mostly pre-prepared foods then you probably feel sluggish and lacking in the energy to exercise. You’re keeping your body trapped in inertia.

High energy foods:

Fruits and Vegetables:

Apples

Apricots

Cherries

Figs

Grapes

Nectarines

Peaches

Pineapples

Tangerines

Lychee

Papaya

Pepper

Tomatoes

Asparagus

Broccoli

Cabbage

Cauliflower

Chard

Eggplant

Green Beans

Lettuce

Mushroom

Parsnips

Shallots

Sprouts

watercress

bananas

Berries

Dates

Grapefruit

Melons

Oranges

Pears

Plums

Kiwi

Mango

Cucumber

Avocado

Artichokes

Bok choy

Brussels sprout

Carrots

Celery

Corn

Garlic

kale

lima beans

Onions

peas

Radishes

snow peas

squash

Nuts and Seeds

Always eat seeds and nuts raw, otherwise they will ferment in you stomach

Almonds

Cashews

sesame

sunflower

Grains:

Barley

Cracked wheat

Millet

Cereals

Legumes:

Aduki beans

Black-eye beans

Great northern beans

Kidney beans

Lentils

Lima beans

Mung beans

Navy beans

Pinto beans

Split peas