Determining Your Values

Determining the Compass of Your Life

Values… those emotional state or qualities that we value about all others… can do more to determine the quality of your life than any other single thing. Values determine all of our decision making, and therefore our destiny. If you know your values than you know who you are and what you stand for. Your like owned by you and shaped by you on your terms.

Remember the movie Greed from the 1980’s? Charlie Sheen’s character thinks that he wants the life and the values that he mentor, played by Michael Douglas, holds. At first he makes the moves that someone who values greed, ego and winning about all cost values.

Then he comes to realise that he does not value those things. That in fact lining that way was empty for him.  He drew his line in the sand, and stood up for what he really  valued. Integrity and love.

Most movies have two levels going on. There;s the level of action that we see… the hero wins the girl, the hero wins the race. The second level is under the surface. It is the process of who the hero becomes and what they stand for to win the prize. And sometimes they don’t win the price… they don’t get the surface level outcome… but they get something so much more rewarding and satisfying. They find out who they really are.

We all admire people who make a stand for what they believe in. We are in awe of those extraordinary people who live by highly defined principles. Think of Nelson Mandela. He spent nearly three decades in prison and upon his release his convictions were as strong as when he was jailed.

Think of anyone you have admired in your life. Didn’t they seem to just know what they stood for?

We all have values but few of us are aware of this. Most people have little idea of how what they value is shaping their lives. To achieve fulfillment and success… true success… it is essential to decide what we value most in life and then commit to live by them every day.

If we’re not clear about what it most important to us in our lives then how can we experience the satisfaction of knowing ourselves and of making effective decisions?

Think of a time you found it difficult to make a decision. The chances are that your uncertainty about what was most important to you in the situation led to your doubt.

When you know what you stand for and what is most important to you then decision making becomes effortless.

This must be true not just when the going is easy, but when the going is tough. Anyone can live by their values when there is smooth sailing. Anyone can be a person of kindness and integrity and graciousness when there are no challenge arrive, because they will arrive. It is an inevitable part of life that the smooth waters of life will become choppy, and then develop into swells, and then become a full storm.

The storms is life are inevitable. Even during the storms, we must make the decision to stay true to our values.

Whenever a new potential client comes to work with me, I can nearly always tell if they will sign on as clients. It rarely has anything to do with what we cover in the session… some people have experienced a radical shift in their thinking which will give them enormous benefits in their lives and still not sign on as a client… The people who don’t stand for anything. Life just happens to them and they wonder why, yet when presented with the opportunity to learn how to gain control of their lives they can’t do it.

I don’t say this with anything except for understanding. How can they possibly commit to coaching when they don’t have any clue what it is they would want to get from coaching?  How can they say yes t themselves when they have no idea who they are or what they stand for?

Commitment for them is something they have practiced avoiding. Committing to coaching would be a huge step forward. For some people, it’s too big a step.

What I would want to share with them is that the only way to have the feeling of fulfillment and happiness is to live by our highest ideals. To do this we need to know what those ideals are.

Doing this create huge benefits. We get to know joy, fulfillment and satisfaction that we are living a life of purpose.

Not knowing our values means we will experience frustration, despair and pain.

Our Language: Our World

If I had learnt years ago that what I said to myself and to others would shape my life, I know I would have made some decidedly different choices. My language was filled with ‘I can't” and “it’s too hard,”  and “later.”

If only I had known that saying those words created my reality. I would have changed them in an instant and that would have changed my world. But I didn't, and I stayed stuck for a decade, living with the three old men of life, Wishing, Waiting, and Hoping.

When I finally realised the truth of the saying “What you tell yourself and others on a consistent basis is how you will experience your life”, I had recognise the enormous cost I had paid until then.

People with a negative vocabulary experience a negative life. People with rich vocabularies experience more choices and more variety in how they experience their world.

What does this mean? It means if we continually use words that focus on lack, pain, disappointment, despair, sadness and anger then that is how we will experience their world.

If we continually describe our world and I view of it as multi-coloured, vibrant, fun, abundant and loving, then we will experience that world.

Language has enormous intensity. We can’t say the word hate, for instance, without having an emotional charge attached to it. We can’t say love without another type of charge.

Simply by changing your vocabulary you transform how you feel, how you think and the way you live. I experienced the power of this when something happened in our business that was extremely challenging. I reacted with alarm, and could feel myself going red as I used the words “hate this” and “this is terrible” and “how could they!”

I was with one of our team. My associate wasn’t getting angry. In fact, they seemed pretty calm about it. They were “curious” and “interested” about what was happening. Curious! I was fuming.

As the anger and frustration built it occurred to me that I has a choice in how I reacted to what was happening. I used the word “trickled” Instead of angry and found myself smiling. Before long the giant issue was manageable.

What other words can you use instead of angry, furious or livid? How about peeved? Or mildly annoyed? What about miffed?

What other words can use instead of depressed, miserable, gutted or devastated? How about concerned? Or confused? What about curious? Or a little sad?

Do you think this would make a difference to how you experience the events in your life? The thing to appreciate is that the words we use to describe our experience then become our experience. This is because we use our language to describe our world, and because our language can’t exactly describe how we feel, what we see and what we hear, we tend to exaggerate, misrepresent or distort our experience.

Think about a time an event happened that annoyed you yet seemed to anger someone else. The same event can cause any number of reactions because the words we use cause a change in our physiology. There is an actual biochemical change in our body when we use language that has energy.

Words impact our beliefs and our actions

Here are some typical words we might use to describe our experience. What words could you instead, that would have the effect of changing how you experience an event?

Angry

Afraid

Terrified

Frustrated

Furious

Humiliated

Devastated

Scared

Overwhelmed

Stressed

Jealous

Gutted

Miserable

Disgusted

Exhausted

Disenchanted

Concerned

Challenged

Stimulated

Now it’s your turn. Think of events in your life where you may react with strong language what creates negative feelings. What are some alternatives that you can use instead?

Old, Unresourceful word New, resourceful word

_____________________ ______________________

_____________________ ______________________

_____________________ ______________________

_____________________ ______________________

Now it’s your turn. Think of events in your life where you may react with medicare  language that creates neutral or flat feelings. What are some alternatives that you can use instead?

Mediocre Word Energised Word

_____________________ _______________________

_____________________ _______________________

_____________________ _______________________

Play the vocabulary game with passion and intensity and playfulness for ten days and notice the difference it makes. Just for the fun of it, when experiencing (rather than confronted with) an interesting (rather than challenging) situation, respond with mild, neutral and even empowering language.

When experiencing a situation that gives you pleasure, turn up the volume and intensity on your language, make it even more playful and outrageous and energised. Feel the emotions of the words you choose to use and notice the difference.

Result Report

As you do this exercise, record what you notice is different about your world and the people in it. What are you noticing you are feeling as a result of this commitment?

How to Play the Game of Life

Level 1 Living for an Extraordinary Life

For the next ten days, play your game of life as if each of the Five Keys are 100% correct.

Remember that it isn't what you do, it's what you do consistently that determines the quality of your life. 

Everything is an opportunity to learn... there is no failure.. only feedback

If you find yourself slipping in on area, remember it is a choice to get back on track. One slip into old habits is not who you are, it is simply an opportunity to step up once more. You will feel great about yourself when you do this.

How else will you play the game of life at level 1?

We first make our habits, and then our habits make us - John Dryden

Key Number Five: You Must Be Willing to Explore... And Embrace..the Enfamiliar

All the talk in the world about what we can do to transform our lives is just talk... unless we are willing explore the new ideas for ourselves. Knowledge is only knowledge if we apply it... otherwise it's just information gathering. 

I know someone who would rather feel totally in control of her life than anything else. It is more important for him to know what is going to happen every  minute than to learn something new or explore the unfamiliar. This means he has a "safe" job that delivers few surprise and has very few friends... people scare him because they are unpredictable. It also means he can't handle feedback, so getting ahead in his organisation is difficult. He also prefers to be "right" rather than learn a new and better way to do something.

Compare this to someone who embraces the unknown and is willing to learn. Imagine the quality of life of someone who likes to discover the unknown and make it known and who doesn't have to be "right" all the time... they are happy to learn new and better ways to do things. They aren't threatened by change or by the unfamiliar but are curious to know more about it and integrate it into their ever-expanding wealth of understanding of them selves and their world. 

The truth is, many of us spend so much of our time worrying and trying to prevent the 'bad' from happening that we forget to enjoy our lives!

Who said that life can't be wonderful, rich, abundant and joyous in the presence of uncertainty? The only question is, 'what do we need to do to be able to achieve this?'

The first law of life to consider and embrace is this:

Life is uncertain

There is no escaping this and the more effort we put into getting rid of the uncertainty the more energy we're wasting. Instead of trying to control the inevitable, what about focusing on what you can control and influence? Focus instead on what you enjoy, what you do, what your strengths are and what you want to achieve. 

The fact is, in life there are few guarantees. You can't control your world. You control nothing when it come to the future. You have no control over the future. This sound negative, but in reality it's freeing. This is true, doesn't it free you to focus on what you can control?

The second law of life to consider and embrace is:

It is only in the unknown that I can learn. 

Think about this for a moment. If you already know something, isn't it in the realm of 'The known'? If you don't know something, isn't it in the realm of "The unknown"?

So many people fear the unknown. They will do anything to avoid it, including insisting they know best, that what they've been doing gets them by, that they don't need anything else, or they delete any evidence that things are not fine. Remember filtering? We distort, delete or generalise tomake sure the world fits our own map of it. If we have a belief that we don't like uncertainty won't we delete evidence that is contrary to this? Won't we distort our current experience to justify staying the same? Won't we generalise about how bad it is going into the known, because it 'went bad last time'?

Think about a situation in your own life that left you feeling anxious. Perhaps it was the need to learn a new skill or capability. Perhaps you needed to talk to someone you didn't know and you weren't sure how to do it. Perhaps you has to stretch yourself beyond what you were certain you could do. 

How did you feel? What did you do? Did you keep going or back off?  And after this situation... did you avoid similar situations after that or seek them out?

Most people will say they avoid situations that involve them going outside their comfort zone. Yet the only way to create the change we want in our life is to what I call the "Uncomfort Zone".

The third law of life to consider and embrace is:

The quality of your life will increase the more you are willing to explore the unknown

Look at the diagram below. Your problems are on the right, on a scale of between one and ten. Your level of willingness to grow and learn about yourself and your world - instead of trying to control it - is on the left. If you have a problem that you decide is a five out ten in severity, and your willingness to embrace uncertainty is a one, how big does that problem appear? What about if your willingness to embrace uncertainty is an eight? What does that do to how you perceive you problem? Notice that the problem now seems manageable?

10 10

9 9

8 8

7 7

6 6

5 5

4 4

3 3

2 2

1 1

The reason why most people find life tough is because they’re putting their energy into eliminating uncertainty. Eliminating uncertainty can’t be done. No wonder their life is hard.

Something to think about? Ask yourself, how much time and effort do you put into eliminating uncertainty? How much of your thoughts turn to control? How often do you bemoan the uncertainties of life of criticise those who ask you to come outside your comfort zone? How often do you feel threatened or afraid or unwillingness to learn?

All of these questions are designed to stir up the truth of what you are giving up in terms of joy, growth and learning when you hang onto your comfort zone.

I’m curious, what’s so great about a comfort zone? What is so appealing about playing it safe, living within the square, thinking the same, acting the same, doing what you did yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that?

Our company attends a personal development exhibition each year in to cities. We offer people who are interested the opportunity to tin a coach or become a coach. They have the chance to win $1,000.00 of coaching where they can learn about themselves and who they are. Even if they don’t win, they can still have a free coaching session. compliments of our school. The session is valued at $200.00, and gives anyone who wants to the opportunity to discover more about themselves and what it is they want to focus on for the year ahead.

What intrigues me is that as the doors open to the exhibition the crowd rushes in… hundreds of people… and they all make the dash to the stand they have come to see… the fortune tellers.

What they want is certainty… certainty about how their lives, they choose instead to invest in one possibility. A possibility predicted by someone. And some of these people act on these predictions. I am not saying I don’t believe in psychic abilities, because I do. What I am saying is that looking for certainty in our future is surrendering our greatest gift… the ability to enjoy the ride regardless of where it takes us.

How do we do this?

Give up the need to be right. Surrender the desire to tin an argument, prove your point, correct someone else or remind yourself of your expertise. If you have a big case of “Certain - itise” then this will be a stretch for you, as it was for me. It’s worth sticking at, though, because you’ll start to relax and go with the flow. You’ll notice people’s differences with appreciation, instead of the desire to change them to conform to your way of thinking. People will be drawn to you and you’ll be a much warmer person to be around.

Get used to saying “Maybe…” Instead of having to know the answer, get in the habit of being curious about what all the possibilities could be. Someone says to you, “This won’t work.” Suppress the need to say how it will, or why you think it won’t work.” Suppress the need to say how it will, or why you think it won’t. Instead say, even if it’s just yourself, “Maybe…” or “I wonder…” or “Let’s see…”

For example, instead of saying, ‘I hope this works out,’ say “I wonder how it works our.”

Instead of saying, ‘I hope I get the job,’ say ‘I wonder if I’ll get the job.’

Instead of saying,  “I wish this was better,” say  “I wonder how this can be improved.”

Instead of saying,  “I wish this was easier.” say “I’m curious about how to do it easier.”

Do you notice the difference in how you feel when you say these sentences?

Why have you hopes dashed by using the word hope, when you can simply satisfy your curiosity by wondering about something?  Much less drama, and it eliminates the stories will tell ourselves.

Get curious about what you don’t know: The one secret to growth and happiness and fulfillment is to be curious about what is on the other side of the comfort zone. Be prepared to commit to stepping outside the walls of your comfort zone at least once a day. You will be amazed at how differently you start to view your world.

Acknowledge yourself: Even if you take one tiny step, take the time to acknowledge yourself for doing it. So few people praise themselves and this is why they don’t like themselves. Would you like or be attracted to someone you didn't admire in some way?  You’re no different. You are worthy of your acknowledge and what you have accomplished. More importantly, acknowledge yourself for who you are.

What do you recognise you need to give up? Is it about being right? List what you need to surrender to move closer to Level 1 lining. 

Think of at least five things you might have said "I hope..." to For example, 'I hope I get the job", "I hope I get the job", "I hope he likes me..." List them here. 

Change them to "I wonder..." Statements and notice the difference. 

What are five things you would like explore that are, at the moment, outside of your comfort zone. What would change in your life if you did explore them?  How would your life be improved?

Commit to one action each day that takes you outside your comfort zone. If you're not sure what that might be, borrow some ideas from the list here.

I could...

Dance

Go to the movies

Join club

Start actinglessons

Invite some friends to dinner

Join a gym

Do press ups for fun

Sing

Listen to some self-improvement CD's

Love

Buy a pot plant

Declutter a messy room

Dress to impress

Book and fo on a holiday

Give a gift to someone because...

Start a home based business

Register as an extra for a TV show

Ask the boss what I could do better...

                 ...and then do it

Learn how to speak in public

Join a book club

Learn a language

Ask for a raise

Read

Learn something new

Join a short course

Learn a musical instrument

Go swimming

Walk each day

Skip

Learn about a foreign country

Write an article about something I  want

Garden

Donate some time to a worthy cause

Sort through the photos

Get a hair cut

Ask someone on a date

Find out about a job promotion

Learn how to paint

Form a book club

Join a sports club

Commit to one kind act each day

Remind a child how phenomenal they are

The more you depend on forces outside yourself, the more you are dominated by them. - HAROLD SHERMAN