Your Defining Moments

I've come to learn that what may seem of little consequence to one person can literally turn someone else's life inside out. i experienced the power of this when I was coaching a client recently.  They shared how a teacher had made fun of one of the students when they had been in school. This event had happened over thirty years ago, but my client remembered that event as being hugely significant in their life. Because of the teacher's seeming thoughtlessness, my client had become a teacher... they wanted to show the world that teachers can be kind.

One event, and an entire future shaped.

We all have significant emotional events in our past that have shaped who we have become and the choices we make. If it's important to you then it's important.

A defining moment in my past was when I became ill. I gave it was that I didn't have to work at a career, because I would be too sick to do a great job. That attitude kept me doing very little for years, long after the original level of debilitation had gone.

Another defining moment was when I realised I was thinking about killing myself. That wake up call go me realising that it wasn't life that had given up on me, it was me who had given up on life. After that moment, I did everything I could to learn how the keys to happiness. It became one of my primary focuses in life.

These moments altered my perception of myself. They had consequences on the choices I made in my life. Regardless of the accuracy of my perception of these events, they are real to me. Someone reading these defining moments and saying "She should have done this instead" has no relevance. It is only interpretation of these events that matters in my life.

The same as your interpretation of the events that shapes you only have relevance to you.

Some of our defining moments can be positive, and influence our choices in ways that empower us. They can inspire us and show us what we are truly capable of. Some events are going to be clearly negative, However, the meaning we give these events is entirely up to us.

Memory give us the ability to recall these events, but our ability to recall the events accurately is difficult. What we always keep, however is our feelings associated with the event. Recall a moment of exquisite joy in your life, and notice how the feeling is close by. Recall an event that caused you great sorrow, and the feelings of that sorrow are there.

Defining moments anchor our reactions to the world today. These significant events determine the feeling we have to the inevitable stresses and strains of our lives. This makes them essential to uncover and explore. Until we do this, we are separate from who we truly are.  How can we understand what motivates our choice unless we understand what created those choices in the first place.

Imagine that someone challenges you to do something you don’t want to do. What do you do? Your choice will be partly determined by what you did in your past that resulted in a strong emotional response. perhaps in the past you were punished for not doing it. How will that influence how you respond today? Perhaps you were praised for standing up for yourself. Your reaction will be different.

For this exercise to be truly effective, make sure you recall as many specific memories as you can. Facts, feeling, beliefs need to be fully described as much as you can. It helps to recall the what you told yourself. If you can include what you smelt and what you tasted in your mouth.

Ideally, aim for at least eight significant emotional events, or defining moments.

1. Where are you as this event occurs? How old are you and what do you look like?
2. Who is with you?
3. What occurs that makes this event a defining moment?
4. What are the emotions you are noticing you are feeling?  
5. How would you change this situation if you could?
6. If someone asked you what you would want to say at this moment, what would you say? Who would you say it to? How would you want them to respond?
7. What are you telling yourself about this event? About Yourself? About the other people?  About what this means to you?
8. What is it that you need right now?

Once you have done this for the first event, answer these question:

1. What feelings are you noticing you are experiencing right now?
2. What are you telling yourself about that event right now?
3. What did you give up, what did you surrender, in the form of power and self determination, as a consequence of this event, if it was negative?
4. If the event was positive, what did you gain? What did you discover about yourself that you still call on?

Do this for each of your defining moments, and once you have completed this part of the exercise, check to see if there is another significant emotional event that you hadn't noticed, that now needs to be added.

If you have been honest with the exercise, you will have identified moments that have become important in the development of who you believe you are and what you believe you are capable of.

Now for each defining moment. ask yourself what aspect of your self was affected by this moments? Write at least a paragraph for each moment…

Maybe it was your belief in your belief in your ability to be loved, or it caused you to question your intelligence. Perhaps one of your defining moments led you to doubt your ability to stand up for yourself.

Now write down where you  were in terms of that dimension before the event, and then after.

For example, a defining moment for me was when I became ill. The aspect of self that as touched by this event was my sense of confidence about the world. I decided it was a harsh place. Before my illness, I’d been fun loving. During the illness that stopped and I became untrusting of the world.

Once you have done this, write a paragraph to describe what the long-term effect are of that moment. What have you decided to believe as a result of this event?

The long term effect of my illness for the longest time was that I would play it safe, stay out of life’s way, stay invisible, and play small. I decided that it was all too hard and I was better off not even trying. The consequence of that was at least ten years of frustration and disappointment with myself.

I developed the attribute of blaming life and others for what was or wasn’t happening in my life. I developed the habit of finding fault in everything around me, instead of taking responsibility for what was happening.

The first time I did this exercise, I realise how distorted my view of the world had become because of an event that had happened years before. I was shocked to discover that I had let an illness play such a powerful and influential role in my life, even when the illness itself no longer affected me on a daily basis.

The next thing to do is to take the time to ask yourself why this defining moment contributed to your sense of self. Once you have done that, write down whether you now think or believe this view of yourself, of the world, of those around you is accurate.

The reason I believe (remember this is only my interpretation, you might have has an illness as a defining moment and record a totally different reason) my illness became a defining moment for me was because of the lack of control I felt I had over it. I felt I had no influence over body, almost as if it was my enemy. And if my body couldn't be on my team, then who could?

I believe this view was distorted and inaccurate. I now believe that the view I chose meant I didn't have to take responsibility for my life, and instead could turn over the reins to others.

Now write what that old distorted view has cost you>

The cost to me of my old beliefs is missing out on life and love for at least a decade. It also cost me friends who didn't want to be around someone so negative. It cost me income, because I spent years at home telling myself it was too hard to get a job with this illness. It cost me my self confidence, my happiness, my sense of self.

Write down why it’s time to now change your interpretation of this event to something that supports you and your concept of who you want to be instead? What will your belief become now?

When I got to this part of this exercise, I cried because it finally occurred to me what I had sacrificed to keep such a limiting sense of self. I had given up almost everything to stay safe and live a life of lack.

I realised that there was no way I was going to keep my original interpretation of this event. No way. It had to change because if it didn't I was going to end up dead. If I didn’t change it was going to spend the rest of my life playing it small and complaining about how disappointing the world is. It had to change because if it didn't I was going to lose whatever I had left, which included a loving husband. It had to change because he deserved so much more that I was giving him.

I decided to believe that whatever limits my illness forced on me, there was still a way to live an extraordinary life. My limits weren't my illness, but were those of my mind.

Remember when you do this exercise that you were younger that you are now when your defining moments occurred. For many of you your events will be in childhood. You gave meaning to those events as a child doing the best you could to survive, to be loved and to belong. You did what you needed to to avoid feeling.

You are older now; you can look back on these events knowing that the person you are now is capable of making decisions not just based on what will cause the least fear, but on what will support you.

If your defining moments are when you were a child, then acknowledge the child you were, making decision as best you could.

Now acknowledge yourself for the new empowering choices you can make today.

The choice is yours. An extraordinary life means making extraordinary decisions. Only you have power to choose.

Once you have decided on your new empowering beliefs it’s important to keep them close to you, at least for the first month. I laminated mine and placed them in my wallet, so each time I reached for money I was reminded of what I now chose to believe.

If you find yourself reverting back to the old limiting and destructive beliefs, then answer this question:

What is the pay off for me of playing at this level? For example, if you choose to keep the belief that I am too shy to talk to anyone, your payoff might be that by keeping that belief you don’t have to make the effort with anyone, which prevents you from feeling the fear that you might not belong, or that you won’t be loved.

My payoff is?

Now, write down the benefits of letting go of this destructive choice.

Once you've done that, ask yourself, is that something you really want to change? Why? The amazing thing is that some people, no matter how much it costs them to hang onto a painful or destructive belief, will still keep it. They would rather feel the pain of what they know than risk the pain of the unknown. Even though the unknown is only going to stay unknown until they decide to explore it.

Note: It’s worth revisiting this exercise at least once a year. You will notice that your beliefs have changed and need to be updated to include the new level that you are now living your life.

I discovered after a year that what I had thought was difficult to believe to believe in the beginning… that I can do whatever I put my mind to…had become more of a reality for me than I had ever dreamed possible.

Emotions: Patterns of Feelings/Patterns of Choice

Positive psychology has discovered that there is a clear link between the emotional states we choose to experience on a consistent basis and the quality of our lives.

The key distinction here is to appreciate that emotion are not random feeling that happen by chance... emotions are things we do.

We do happiness
We do sadness
We do depression
We do anger

There are over 3,000 emotion and we choose which ones we will do depending on which needs we want to meet and our habitual choice.

We must alway remember that there is enormous power in emotion... the foundation of happiness, joy, love, passion, and fulfillment comes from our willingness to choose our emotions with volition.

Experiencing any emotion is our first choice.

Our second choice is to decide to revisit that emotion... if it is resourceful and sustainable.

It's about being willing to develop the emotional muscles that will assist us in creating our ideal life.

Examples of empowering emotions include happiness, contentment, certainty, passion, joy, love, creativity, stimulated, curious, excited, bubbling, energised, impassioned, serene, fascinated, fun-loving, vibrant, exuberant, charged, determined, comfortable, resourceful, gratefulness, compassion, forgiveness...

Examples of disempowering emotions include frustrated, angry, afraid, confused, impatient, irritated, lonely, nervous, scared, terrified, embarrassed. harried, overwhelmed, stressed exhausted, jealous, lost disgusted, stupid, terrible, down, depressed, petrified, indifferent, bored, judgement, devastated, miserable...

"Take charge of your emotions for they will take hold and mould your life."

Take a moment to answer these question:

• What empowering/resourceful emotions do you most often feel?
• How do you notice you hold your body when you do these emotion?
• What do you focus on when you do these emotion?
• If you like and want to continue to experience certain of these emotion, what could you do with your body, with your thoughts, with your focus to keep doing them?
• What disempowering/unresourceful emotions do you most often feel?
• How do you notice you hold your body when you do these emotion?
• What do you focus on when you do these emotions?
• If you dislike and no longer want to continue to experience certain of these emotions, what could yo do with your body, with your thoughts, with your focus to change doing them to other more resourceful emotions?
• What have you learned from doing this exercise?
• What emotional states will you commit to experiencing on a consistent basis from now on> 
• How is doing this commitment going to benefit you, your life, and those arounf you?

How to Lead the Dance with Fear... And Win

Unless you give yourself a compelling reason why you would want to give this up, you will stay with you current dance partner. With a big enough reason why, we can accomplish anything.

The secret to letting go of the fear is to give yourself such a compelling reason that no matter what, you wouldn't go back to that no  matter what, you wouldn't go back to that old choice.

• What is your greatest fear?
• How has this fear benefited you in the past? i.e. what has it kept you safe from?
• What has it cost you in the past?
• What is it costing you now?
• What will is cost you in the future? In one year? I five years? In ten year?
• What will letting this fear run you cost those whom you love?
• Why would you choose to be free of this fear now? Answer this question with total intensity. Really connect with why you must choose to be free of this fear right now. Imagine all of the benefits of choosing to let it go. 

Make a commitment right now to no longer let that fear run your life. Decide now that you will run your life. What does this mean you will now do differently? What are you now willing to attempt or experience or let go of with this level of commitment?

Everyone feels fear when approaching something totally new in their lives...Yet still people are out there "doing it."  So fear isn't the problem..."

What is Your Relationship with Fear?

Fear is an inevitable companion.

Many people live their lives saying they'll take a step forward when they're not so scared, or when they have more confidence. Then they find they never take the step because the fear never fades and their confidence never goes up... it even goes down.

They've got it the wrong way round.

Waiting for the fear to pass is like waiting for the sun to not come up. Fear is an inevitable part of who we are. We are hard wired to experience it. We have a neurological fear system in our brains which once helped us survive but which now limits our lives. According to Doctor Dan Baker in "you're Only Six Steps Away From Happiness", this fear system is the repository for  past trauma and pain, current anxiety, fear of what is to come and archaic instinctual terrors.

We needed this in the early epochs of mankind, because  it kept us alive. It gave us the capacity to spring into action whenever we see or sensed threat. This is how we survived, but as a consequence we became hardwired for hard times.

The fact that most of us in the Western world are no longer in threat of extinction doesn't change our wiring. The desire for flight or fight remains within us.

Courage... or confidence... is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to take action despite it. In fact, we can't learn courage unless we take action. If we wait for courage to arrive before we will act we're doomed never to feel it. This is the ultimate paradox. We need to do the thing to realise we have the courage and resources within us.

What do we fear?
Our fears are always the same:
Fear of not being loved
Fear of not being good enough, and
Fear of not belonging.

These constant fears are what keep us playing it safe. They keep us from shinning, stepping up, taking risk, experimenting, making mistakes... living.

Whenever we put avoiding fear ahead of our true desires, we're preventing ourselves from truly appreciating and loving our lives.

The types of fear we experience can be further broken down into three levels. The first level is the fear of what is going to happen, for example, old age.

Example of level 1 Fear

• Death
• Accidents
• Being alone
• Losing financial security
• Losing a loved one
• Illness
• Children leaving us

The second types of fear are those that require action, such as making a decision. 

Examples of Level 2 Fear:

• Making friends
• Asserting oursselves
• Driving
• Ending a relationship
• Beginning a relationship
• Losing weight
• Public speaking
• Intimacy 

The Third type of fear are those that involve inner states of mind. They are a reflecting of our ability to manage the world.

Examples of Level 3 Fears:

• Rejection
• Success
• Failure
• Being vulnerable
• Being powerless
• Disapproval
• Being judged
• Losing our image or being 'exposed'

Whatever category of fear we believe we are experiencing, at it core will be an emotional state. Ultimately, whatever state we fear feeling is going to fall into the categories of not belong, not being loved, not being good enough.

For example, if you fear public speaking it may be because you don't want to make a fool of yourself or appear silly, which is a state. You might not want to feel silly because then you would fear being rejected by the group... or not belonging.

You may fear losing a relationship because you don't want to be alone, because if you were alone then you would fear you weren't lovable. 

You may fear change because you fear not being able to handle it when it comes. Your fear is that you won't be good enough. You may even fear change because you might fail at whatever it takes to manage the change, which would mean you would fear being judged... which would mean you would fear not belonging, not being loved, and not being good enough. 

No wonder people find change hard to deal with. 

The Two Paradoxes of Fear

Paradox One

The truth is yo can handle everything that comes your way, you've just conditioned yourself to not know this because then none of your wont fears have nay danger of coming true. Or do they?

Isn't it true that the more you focus on not having something happen, the more your ultimate fear seems more real?

For example, have you ever desperately wanted someone to stay in your life, and the more you've clung to that the further you've pushed them away, leading to you feeling unloved, not good enough and as if you didn't belong?

Paradox Two

The second paradox of fear is that the more we try to escape our fear the more we experience them. 

Yet we still play the same games over and over. We play it safe in love to avoid rejection to avoid not being loved, and this never experience the joy of giving love. 

We play it safe by not being vulnerable so that we don't appear foolish and thus never get to truly connect with someone, guaranteeing we don't feel loved or that we belong. 

We play it safe hanging onto the little financial security we have for fear if we lose it we'll have nothing, only to never seem to get ahead,and never feel we're truly "made it"... and so feel that we're somehow not good enough. 

Every day, playing out the dance of fear, letting fear lead us on a never ending cycle of disappointment or mediocrity.

Until we eventually ask: is this all there is? Is my life really only going to amount to an okay job, with friends who don't really mind if I don't call, mediocre health and a feeling like I'll never get off the treadmill?

There has to be a better way. There has to be a way to take action, and to be willing to take risk, and feel great about it. 

On some level, your dance with your greatest fears has given you a  "payoff" or a benefit. It might have kept you safe from hurt, or from rejection, from failure. whatever its benefit, this is the reason you let the fear run your life, instead of you running it.

"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the courageous man only once."

Exploring What You Believe to Be True About the World

Beliefs are feelings of certainty about what something means. We all have thousands of beliefs that perhaps aren't even aware of. Some of these beliefs support us in our journey creating our ideal life, other beliefs hold us back and even sabotage us.

For example, the belief that all people are out to get you... what kind of life do you think a person with this belief would experience? Compare that person's experience with someone  who believes all people have within them the capacity for kindness. Do you think they would experience people differently?

Do you think each of these people would experience different qualities of relationships?

In this belief audit take the time to write down what you feel is true about these questions. Don't  think too much about what your writing...if you can write what comes to mind, rather than what you think a "good" answer would be, you'll get more value from this exercise later on.

• What is life about?
• What is life not about?
• What is the purpose of life?
• What are relationships?
• What are relationships not?
• How do you experience love?
• What stresses you in life?
• What is effortless?
• What is difficult?
• What is work? What isn't
• Who are you really?
• Who could you be?
• What would it take to be who you could be?
• What's most important to you in life?
• What do you love?
• What are you passionate about?
• Who do you love? Who loves you?
• What do you want from life?
• What do you prefer to avoid in life?
• What has to happen for you to feel happy?
• What makes you scared?
• What makes you angry?
• What makes you feel loved?
• Why did you pick your significant other?
• If you're not in an intimate relationship, what would drive you to choose someone?
• How do you meet your need for comfort?
• For adventure?
• For uniqueness?
• For love?
• For growth?
• For contribution?

The Wheel of Life

The Wheel of Life has been used throughout time for measuring the quality of our lives. Look at the example below and imagine that each piece of the pie represented an area of your own life.  Imagine that each line is a spoke in a wheel, with the centre of the wheel representing 0% satisfaction and fulfillment in that area of your life and outside represents 100% satisfaction and fulfillment with that area of your life.

In figure 1, if this was your wheel of Life where would you currently be in each area of your life?

In this example, the person is at 60% of where they want to be in the area of Finances and her Family is only at 30%.

Now it's your turn. In figure 2, Take a few moments to draw a line in each piece of the pie representing where you believe you currently are in that areas of your life. When you've finished, shade in the areas to get a true sense of the shapes of each section.

And now...

If this was a wheel on a car called LIFE, how well would your are run? How would it run if you were  traveling at25 miles per hour? How would it run if you were traveling 50 miles per hour? What if you wanted to be a high achiever? Would the gaps cause you to stay on the road or would you be heading for the ditch?

If you're  like most people, you're  probably experiencing a certain level of discomfort with the quality of your ride! What about if you could find across the area that matter most to you? Imagine putting your energy focus and time into the areas that matter most to you... what would that feel like? How would your life look? What would be different?

Self Image

My self image was horrible. And I walked around everyday in work-out clothes, no make-up, hair pulled back.

It was so great to write down everything about myself that I wanted to be, and no becoming that person.

Part and parcel to out internal beliefs, is the confidence and self esteem we place in ourselves. Self image has achieved the status of catch phrase in modern society. Reams of magazine articles offer advice. Advertisers and produce pounce on our insecurities. Propping us up and linking our worst to everything from hair products to basketball shoes.

Even a lucrative, hybrid medical fields has sprung up, dispensing vanity operations that range from silicone implants to facial botulism  injections. But shed of its cache, self image boils down to the way we see ourselves, and the way we think others see us. Self image is merely that. An image of ourselves that we have formed in our own mind. Granted, it's based on experiences, events and ideas. But a poor self image isn't an entity unto its own that can't be approached or improved. It is a picture, imprinted in our subconscious minds, that we have painted. And don't look now, but you're holding the brush. You have the ability right now to change your self portrait to suit yourself.

Why is that some people will spend hours every week, primping their external image in the mirror, but completely ignore  the all important person inside. Imagine if you didn't shower, or care for yourself in any way for a month. You'd look pretty shabby. Well that's exactly what happens to our self image if we neglect it.

We are not going on some navel-gazing ego trip by reinforcing the many things that make you unique. You know, it's all right to like yourself. recognize that you  have options that can make you life an adventure. Take the time to pat yourself on the back. Enjoy being who you are. The ebb and flow of life can offer us a beating once in a while.

But when a hurricane hits that coast of Florida, they don't leave the plane in shambles, do they? Of course not. The rebuild. Sometimes better than new. When your self image takes a hit, don't leave it broke and battered. Fix it up with regular doses of inspiration, unconditional love, positive thoughts, nourishment of the soul. No Body will rush to the assistance of your self image. It's your responsibility.

Success is definitely a journey, not a destination. But I have been successful because I've taken my life to a different level. I've completely changed everything around me, and it's different now.

We understand together, that we can have everything. All we have to do is go get it.

So little is commonly understood about the subconscious. But we have definitely explored its unlimited power by learning to connect and care for the messages we imprint on our lives, by listening carefully to the feelings, intuition and guidance it provides, and honoring the connection between all living things, we can achieve the ultimate freedom for ourselves, and uphold our responsibility to make the world a better place.